Jack if I know

I’m going to change things up a bit my beloved readers. Today I’m posting about a phone call. Yes, that’s correct a phone call. Don’t start to yawn! I promise as always it will be entertaining. Actually educational too for my male readers.

Here’s a little background for all of you. I’ve been chatting with a guy online. We’ve been conversing for two days. (Disclaimer: I generally wait a week or two before giving my phone number to someone online) But he was doing soooo well. I was shocked at how great we were getting along. He asked for my digits. I thought well I can hop over my rule this one time. I told him that I’m a texter. I’m NOT a talker. He said no worries he understood.

He texts me ten seconds later. The text says: Hope you had a great day! Have you made it home yet?

I’m in my car driving. I hit the button for Siri that says I’m driving I’ll text you as soon as I’m able. He then calls. I didn’t check to see who it was. Let me just say I don’t receive a lot of calls once I leave work. And I don’t receive phone calls from friends or family unless it’s extremely important or an emergency. All of my peeps know…. TEXT ONLY.

I say hello ask what’s wrong? Because I’m assuming the individual calling me is in the hospital or stranded on the side of the road where AAA won’t go. But lo and behold I hear, Kermit the fucking frog. Yes, Kermit. The Muppets will never be the same for me again. All those childhood memories dashed with one hello.

Sigh….

Kermit (that will be his nickname for this post) says I know you don’t talk on the phone. But I wanted to call and hear your voice.

Inner Monologue Moment: Actually this isn’t an inner monologue moment it’s more of a rant/advice for men everywhere. When a woman tells you she doesn’t like something, listen. Please! She’s telling you for your own good. She’s helping you. Don’t take it as a challenge. It’s not like her saying she doesn’t want flowers or something. Which by the way she does want flowers, chocolate, spa days, and jewelry. Just saying…

I’m instantly peeved. I inform him my phone is dying. My iPhone is at 15%. Any Apple person knows it’s save a life time by 10%. At 10% your phone is saying fuck you. I know you’ve passed multiple plugs at this point. Bitch this is your fault I’m dying. I might not save a picture or two. Just cause you’re stupid. As all of you can tell my phone and I have similar personalities.

He acknowledges that he realizes my phone is dying. He says it’ll just be a few minutes. A few minutes to him was forty minutes. Thank goodness for power save mode.

Another sigh.

I was led to believe that he was already in town. He then informs me that he’s still in Michigan! Michigan!!!!! Where it snows for real! Not fucking flurries like we get here. By the way the flurries don’t agree with this bunny. I’m beach bunny only.

He starts to tell me how he’s so excited to be coming to work at his dream company. And how he can’t believe he got his dream job. That’s all great and dandy. Woo hoo. He’s telling me he’s bringing the bare minimum. That he researched and found an IKEA close.

Kermit then asked me, “For our first date how would you like to go out of town with me to IKEA?”

Inner Monologue Moment: Mother fucker. Are you serious? You think I’m going to go out of town with a guy who sounds like a Kermit serial killer on the phone? What woman do you know goes out of town with a stranger? Pick out your own fucking furniture. Don’t get a bed or pull out sofa. Get a chair. Because your dumb ass will be sleeping alone.

I respond with, “I have expensive taste. I don’t think you want me to shop with you. I’m more of a custom made to order with designer labels type of girl.” Doesn’t even phase him. I don’t even think he listened to me. He asks my preference on mattresses. And says in an excited tone, “There’s a Pottery Barn!”

Inner Monologue Moment: A Pottery Barn! Well whoopdy fucking doo. A real live Pottery Barn I just can’t contain my excitement. Can I pick out any throw pillows I want too? I’d just love to throw a good goose down throw pillow, right in your face. Whoops, spasm.

He then asks, if I’ve ever been married. He doesn’t give me a chance to respond. Because he answers the question himself. Kermit tells me all about his marriage, ex, how they didn’t have children, etc. And no I never got a chance to answer the question. Which is fine, no problem. Because I honestly don’t give a shit as this point.

Kermit asks, am I a cat person. I lie. My response, no. He sighs, takes a breath. Silence! OMG! YES!!!!!! Finally!!! Then he says, “Is that a deal breaker?” I respond with, “Well I’m allergic.” (Yet again another lie) He then informs me that the cat was his ex’s. And that for the right woman he’d be willing to get rid of Marvin.

Inner Monologue Moment: Get rid of Marvin? What kind of pet parent says that? Just get rid of their furry baby. What a fucking idiot. I would never get rid of my furry baby. It’s Teddy & I against the world. He doesn’t deserve to be a pet parent. Inconsiderate bastard!

Phone is now at 3%. She’s angry at me. The lights are dimming. She’s about to go. I realize he hasn’t gotten the idea. He’s still making plans for dinner, going out of town, wine tastings, etc. All I’m thinking is I can’t date anyone who can’t listen to bare basics.

So I tell him, I’ve taken on a new project at work. I’m not going to have much time for dating. It sounds like you want to be very active. My energy has to be towards work at the moment. Any thing I do after work will be low key. Like Netflix and chill low key. With wine of course. I tell him it was nice to talk to him. I’ve gotta make dinner for myself and let Teddy out, good night.

Sigh of relief!!!!!! Yes! He’s done.

I’m making dinner in the kitchen dancing around in my pjs. No judgements. It’s just Teddy and I at home. I’m being free. And women everywhere know bra-less is the truest form of freedom. I receive a text mid dance a thon. It’s from fucking Kermit. What the hell?

He’s asking if I made it in the house. Did I make it in the house? Oh My God. Is this guy for real? I’ve taken care of myself for years. I don’t need another father. I have one. We just got off the phone. Good grief.

So I respond with: Yes, good night.

Then I muted him. It was the best thing to do.

He continued to text and call the rest of the week. I finally ended up having to block him. Some men just can’t take a hint. You try to be nice. Generally I’m not nice. This just proves it. Being nice doesn’t work. Brutal honesty does. But maybe not even brutal honesty would have worked with Kermit. Who knows….

The No-No’s for first chats

1. Listen (this means actually retaining information given to you, those are your hints, & could save you)

2. Don’t be a douche (self explanatory)

3. Text only(this is for me specifically, not all women feel this way)

4. Don’t make long term future plans when we’ve just started to talk

5. Don’t talk about your ex

6. Dominate the conversation

7. Down on your furry baby

8. Don’t be pushy or presumptuous

9. Don’t brag

10. Just say no to clingy-ness

If you do three or more of these no-no’s you WILL be friend zoned or blocked. You have been warned.

Quote: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you… blocked & deleted. You may now.. Kiss my ass!!

©southerngabunny