Work has still been keeping me hopping. But it has finally slowed a little bit. I have some free time! Yay! The free time I have though is being taken up with my maid of honor duties. One of my besties is getting married, so lots to do for her wedding day.
Speaking of wedded bliss, this post requires vino. LOTS of vino! You’ll thank me as you’re reading.
It’s spring, so it’s wedding season. What better way to start spring, then with a wedding post? Don’t worry my beloved readers, I haven’t gotten hitched or tied the knot as people say. No one has put a Henri Daussi on my finger yet!
The toddler for the next two posts (yes, that’s right TWO posts) will be referred to as Greenhorn (definition of greenhorn – a person who is new to or inexperienced at a particular activity). I met him on plenty of fish, also known as POF. He wasn’t my norm, but I’ve been trying to branch out. Description: tall, stocky, broad shoulders, looked like a linebacker, scruffy, deep southern accent, and younger than me. After my experience with Greenhorn, I’m NEVER EVER going younger again.
We had been out a handful of times. He had been a real trooper. Greenhorn worked with my crazy work schedule. The conversation was easy between us, we had things in common, and there was no awkwardness. Just what ever person wants when dating someone new. A few dates in he mentioned that his best friend from college was getting married. He was a part of the wedding party. He asked if I would like to be his date for the wedding? I had nothing better to do that weekend, so I figured why not. I said yes. I only had one stipulation, I had to drive. I get car sick in the passenger seat. He had no issue with that, so we were on. By the way, the wedding was out of town. So I had to take a day off from work to go. I really needed a break. I thought it would be the perfect mini vacation.
He wanted to leave on Thursday evening. This worked out perfectly for me. Because I had a MASSIVE wine hangover from the evening before. I’m single, we weren’t exclusive. So I went on another date. (Refer to Strip & Moisture for more details on my wine date)
I head over to pick Greenhorn up at his apartment. He greets me in the parking lot. Greenhorn tells me to stay in the car, he’ll be out shortly, and that he was running a little behind. I decide I don’t want to sit in the car. So I follow him into the apartment. I found it a little odd that he didn’t want me to come into the apartment…
I follow him through his porch door. His screened in porch is covered with dead, decaying leaves. But it’s better than an ashtray that looks like a cigarette bloomin onion (please refer to Open Air). I walk into the apartment with brown shag carpet. But the shag carpet wasn’t the issue. The smell that the carpet is emanating is potent. It’s a combination of wet dog that’s been in the sun, unwashed dirty laundry, without any ventilation. There was dirty laundry all over the floor. The kitchen is a disaster zone. Obviously this boy doesn’t know what bleach is. There’s old food all over the counters, dishes are piled in the sink with food that has clearly dried, it looks like baking powder or flour exploded on one part of his counter. It looks like he’s in the process of a science experiment. How long can one man live in a home that’s never cleaned without adverse effects? The answer to that question is I have NO FUCKING idea. I do not want to know. I’m kinda clinging to the walls. Because I’m afraid of what I could step on.
I’m a glutton for punishment. I follow him down the hall. That’s when I see it… the BATHROOM.
Pause for dramatic effect, because that room was a hazardous zone!
Like the previous rooms the floors and counters look like they’ve never been cleaned. There are drenched towels in the middle of the floor. But the topper, the cherry on top of the towels are the clearly dirty boxers on top of the towels. The smell in the bathroom, I can’t even describe it. It was truly something I had never smelled before. I thought to myself do I need to get this boy some diapers? At least those are disposable.
The bedroom, it looked like his foam mattress had thrown up on the floor. I’ll spare you my beloved readars the rest of that room. It was too much for my Bunny eyes to see. The entire time I’ve been in the apartment his large chocolate lab has been following us around. His poor dog smells just like the apartment and he obviously has not been cleaned for a while. I feel so sorry for his furry baby. I ask Greenhorn if his neighbors are taking care of his dog while he is gone. He pauses. Then looks at me and says actually we’re dropping him off.
I think to myself, hmm it would have been nice to be informd that I would be putting his dog in my beautiful vehicle. All of you know I’m a dog lover. But I’d like to point out that I take my dog to the groomer. He is actually clean. Unlike Greenhorn’s furry baby. But I think to myself okay let’s just go with it. I ask him where are we dropping off his dog. Greenhorn tells me at his house. I ask him what house? I thought he lived here at this atrocious apartment. He said I do live here, I mean at my parents house.
Innner monologue moment: Parents house?!? What the fucking hell! This better be a joke. We are no where near meet the parents phase. His dog is going to fuck up my car. Then I have to meet mom too. I need alcohol for bullshit like this.
We get stuck in five o’clock traffic to drop off the dog. We are out in farm country and pull into the driveway. Greenhorn then informs me that he didn’t tell his parents that I would be accompanying him. He told me it’s because his mom is fake when she knows people are coming.
Innner monologue moment: This is fucking ridiculous. If he were my child, I’d certainly slap him. That’s incredibly inconsiderate and rude. Not to at least give his parents a heads up AND who calls their mom fake? Ungrateful child that he is.
He walks into the house. She spots me. Then she smiles, starts fidgeting with her hands, and looks directly at her child. I don’t blame her, if I were in her shoes I would have given him a death stare too. The house was a little unorderly. But only because no one told them that a new person was coming.
Greenhorn basically ignores me.
Apparently Greenhorn has never brought a girl home before… awkward moment. Parents invite us to stay for dinner. Which was incredibly kind of them. I never say no to food, this Bunny has gotta eat. He wasn’t particularly thrilled when I said yes. His family was lovely, I enjoyed dinner with them. During dinner, mom told me that she wasn’t sure if she was coming to the wedding. But now that she’s met me, she’ll make sure to come up a little earlier so we can have lunch together.
Innner monologue moment: Yay…….
When we left it was late. So it was dark. We are two hours in the opposite direction of where we need to be. We are heading to North Georgia the home of the Dawgs. You’ve gotta take back/country roads to get there. The highway isn’t an option. I’m being blocked from everything to tractors and trailers filled with livestock. Needless to say my elixir of life is a long way from here.
Thirty minutes before Siri tells me we are about to arrive at our destination Greenhorn starts fiddling with his phone. He’s huffing and puffing, he’s clearly pissed at something. I ask what’s going on. (Take a large gulp of whatever alcoholic beverage you have in hand my beloved readers) He takes a deep breath and says, the friends we are supposed to staying with just told him they ran out of space. I ask him okay what does this mean? He says we’ll have to get a hotel room. It’s almost midnight, I’ve been driving for hours. I’m exhausted. I just want to find a bed.
I park, we unload the car, and go to the front desk to check in. Greenhorn gives the front desk his card. The lady informs him that the card has been declined, do you have another card? He says no, that card should go through his only got forty dollars on him. They told him they had to have an authorized card for the room. He turns and looks at me. She looks at me.
Innner monologue moment: They’re eyes are on mine, I realize it. Oh FUCKING HELL, BLOODY FUCKING HELL. I’m going to have to pay for this $696 room. He still hasn’t offered to pay for at least half of my gas. He should have paid for it all. I took off from work to come here with him. That selfish, inconsiderate child. This room better be the fucking suite at The Plaza. Because that and the mini bar are the only way this night is going to perk up.
I hand over my card. Greenhorn tells me tomorrow we can stop by an ATM to pull out cash from another account. I think to myself, what money is he pulling out of the account? Your card just declined. There’s obviously NO money in there you dumb shit. I’m stuck with a broke baby slob. What am I supposed to do? And of course, we get into the room. There’s no fucking mini bar!
FUCK MY LIFE!
Quote: “He’s as broke as a tooth fairy, in a house full of meth heads.”
Wanted to know what happens next check out: Part 2