This escapade is a girls night out story. AKA, what happens when women get together and drink TOO much.
Six of us girls were out and about enjoying the evening’s frivolities. We started out the evening at my girlfriend’s boyfriend’s place, or as I like to call it the Party Palace. His loft is awesome! It’s in a prime location downtown on a popular street. The Party Palace is also located right over one of our favorite clothing stores. I know, so convenient. Granted, not so convenient to my bank account… but I needed those shoes, dammit! My fellow shoe-aholics understand.
We of course pre gamed at the Party Palace. My mama didn’t raise no fool! Drinking budget or shoes? A girl’s gotta have priorities after all.
How does a group of drunk girls entertain themselves while pre gaming? Her boyfriend tied a wallet to fishing line and tossed it out the window. He would then wait until a pedestrian would walk by, then slowly move the wallet. In our tipsy state it was hysterical. The person trying to pick it up was so befuddled and frustrated.
Note to self: Beware of picking up moving wallets.
We leave the Party Palace and pair up, each person with a drinking buddy. Because safe and courteous drinkers have a friend who is a little less drunk then they are. Just in case someone needs to be lucid.
As we were about to cross a busy street to get to my favorite jazz bar, I suddenly needed to use the ladies room. Yep and it wasn’t a “let me wait in a long line” kind of moment. The jazz bar line was TOO long. So we went around the corner to a small blues bar. Generally this bar is filled with an older, senior citizen like crowd. Needless to say there’s no line for the restroom late at night at this establishment.
My drinking buddy is hanging on to me, like a suction cup on a wall. She asks, “Where are you going?” I tell her I’m just going to the restroom. She looks at me in a panic. Like I’m leaving her to the wolves. I reassure my clingy drinking buddy that I will return and we can get a drink.
I emerge from the bathroom…
I walk up to the bar looking for my clingy buddy. I don’t see anyone who looks like her but I can hear her voice. I turn around and see her on a senior citizen’s lap. She’s making out with this older gentleman! I mean full on session, tongue and everything. All I’m thinking is OH SHIT! Her boyfriend lives downtown, knows where we are, and there a good chance he could walk in here.
I guess I’ve gotta be the lucid drinking buddy and handle this mess.
I walk right up to the make out session and ask, “What’s going on?” She replies, “HEY! (with arms open wide) THIS IS MY NEW FRIEND TEDDY.”
Inner monologue moment: Her new friend has my dog’s name. But, okay. Apparently, Teddy, AKA her new make out friend, bought her shots. Yes, that’s right shots. As in plural, not singular. Four of them.
One of her legs is on the ground the other one is straddling him. This is what happens with four shots. Oh and did I mention that his hand was up her skirt and on her ass!
Teddy then told me that I needed to loosen up and offered me his shot. I told him no thank you. I reminded my girlfriend that her lovebird (her boyfriend) was around. She decided to separate herself from Teddy.
While trying to regain her balance she stretched her hand out to the neighboring bar stool. But this particular bar stool wasn’t a well engineered bar stool. She grabbed it and fell right to the floor. The stool is now on top of her. She rolls over and POPS UP. I don’t know how she does it.
When Teddy offers to buy her MORE drinks she’s ecstatic. I say, “How about a water instead?”
Teddy wants to move to a different bar, and wants us to join. Now don’t get me wrong, my dear readers. There are some awesome senior citizens out there and they are absolutely worth talking to… they’re just not the crowd I want to party with. I told my drinking buddy to give me a minute to do a quick sweep of the bar to check for the rest of our party.
I return to see the following: Her dancing in the corner of the dance floor, looking like a crazed dancing fool. Then I swear it was a slow mo moment. I see her ankle twist and she goes down. But she doesn’t go down alone, oh no no. While she is falling to the floor in slo mo she takes the couple dancing next to her down as well. It was like a bowling ball knocking down two pins.
Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.
She landed on the man. Instead of apologizing and trying to get up as quickly as she could…
She STRADDLES him! Then starts yelling GIDDY UP COWBOY and riding him like a damn horse. FUCK! She sees me across the room, (I’m aghast at this point) she yells, “BUNNY! BUNNY! LOOK I’VE STRUCK GOLD!”
Inner monologue moment: All I could think was gold is not what you’ve struck. That’s someone else’s horse you’re riding! FUCKING HELL!
I try to drag her off of the guy. The woman whom she also knocked over is now extremely PISSED. She starts to pull at my girlfriend’s hair trying to remove her from riding HER man. I’m trying to break up the real life cat fight going on in front of my eyes.
Teddy suddenly appears with four shots. He steps in between the chaos and yells out, “SHOTS!” The cat fight comes to a halt. Free alcohol can fix more than I thought. I think to myself “here’s my opportunity to grab her and run.”
She takes the shot, I grab her, our purses, and get the hell out of dodge.
We find the rest of our party outside chatting with a few guys. I tell them we are going to another bar RIGHT NOW. I don’t care which one, but we are leaving NOW!
We hit up two more bars and at the last bar, I kinda got us kicked out…
A guy at the bar got handsy and squeezed my ass. Which is a super no no in my book, so I grabbed his hat. Then slapped him with it and tossed it across the bar. Apparently grabbing a man’s hat is the equivalent to grabbing his balls. The bartender was having none of that, so he escorted me to the door.
We were walking across a cobblestone street, on the way back to the Party Palace when everything suddenly went BLACK. I came to, sitting in the middle of the crosswalk. The girls were walking ahead and asking me what I was doing? I didn’t want to say I blacked out due to the copious amounts of alcohol. The first thing that came to my mind was MY SHOES. I told them my heels were killing me and I had to take them off. Which I started to do before standing up.
They replied with, “Do that over on the sidewalk there are cars CRAZY bunny!”
Quotes: The things I used to trip on, I walk over now… unless drunk.