Can I Get A Wet Nose?

Have you ever made friends with a co worker? You make friends in the workplace because it’s easier to work together if you’re friendly. Sometimes you just hit it off. Then the friend that you made becomes more than a friend. You didn’t mean for it to happen! It was nature, those stupid pheromones.

Problems can happen… your mother told you not to mix business with pleasure. But there you are mixing a whole lot more than you should. Let’s take a break, which really means sex in the bathroom, or a utility closet. Shit happens!! Mom was right you shouldn’t be having sex in a utility closet. But damn, it was fun when you did it.

The description of the gentleman whom I was having sex with in interesting places is: 5’8, olive complexion, green eyes, ash hair, sharp dresser, with an artsy feel to him. My gay-dar was telling me that he wasn’t gay. Even though he dressed really well.

It’s hump day, it’s been the month from hell. We all went out for a MUCH needed happy hour. What happens when a group of people who are all in high stress environments are at a bar? Let me tell you, it’s good and not so good. Shots, bottles of wine, martinis, more shots… I get a little touchy feels when I drink. Apparently I’m not the only one who has that inclination when alcohol is involved. I ended up relieving myself of my heels and I could have walked around bare foot, singing, and dancing. But there’s no proof of that. Thank goodness.

He (the co worker) lives downtown with roomies. I could either catch an uber home, or stay with him for the evening. He told me he’d make me eggs and bacon. Well y’all know I’m a sucker for bacon. I went back to his place. I knew he had the roomies. I was greeted with a wet nose in my crotch. Which is the way every dog lover like to be greeted.

If only it were as easy for women to be picked up by a man. Wet nose in crotch, hey I like you and that’s done.

He cooks food. I’m happy. He grabs a beer for himself and a glass of wine for me. I’m thinking at this point he might be a little more tipsy then I am. But I was pretty tipsy too. So I went with it. Who am I to judge a drunk man who just made me bacon?

He took me out to the courtyard. He’s on beer number four. It’s two o’clock in the morning. I had stopped drinking at this point. I knew I had to get up for work the next day. He was rubbing my arm gently then moves in for the kiss. We begin a full on make out session. I ask about the roommates. He said that’s why we are out here for a little privacy and his roomies really don’t care.

The tongue action was tantalizing. I thought to myself, damn! If he’s starting off this well only good things are to come. I’m about to ask him if we should take this inside. He pauses, leans over my lap, towards the edge of the deck, and vomits. I thought he was about to spit NOT projectile vomit. He coughed up EVERYTHING!! Then he turned around like nothing had happened and went in for another kiss.

Inter Monologue Moment: STOP!! BACKUP! You are coming NO where near me after that! Are you FUCKING kidding me right now? UNBELIEVABLE! Did that really just fucking happen? Let me pause to make sure I actually saw that. REWIND and REPEAT… Yep I really did. That’s not my imagination.

He takes a swig of his beer, then tries again. I stop him. I’m trying to formulate what I’m going to say. Then I notice that his dog has come trotting happily along. He smells the vomit. Then he proceeds to eat the fresh vomit.

I sobered up in that very moment. I was crystal clear. Crystal clear about getting the fuck out of dodge. I told him well it’s late, I’ve gotta be up in the morning. Thank for the eggs and bacon and rolled out of that place as fast as I could.

Next day, I see him. He acted like nothing had happened. I didn’t know if he was so tipsy that he didn’t remember. So I asked. He told me most of the evening was a blur. This made everything awkward. Because he didn’t understand why I wasn’t as friendly. I mean how do you tell someone that? Well the night ended when you projectile vomited. Then your dog ate it. If it was me I think I’d rather be in ignorant bliss.

A few reasons why to never date a co worker: awkward, problems for career advancement, favoritism, harassment, stalking, losing job, stressful, vomit…

Tip: They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster.

© southerngabunny