After quarantine most of us are a little scared to put ourselves back into the real world. I mean the real world was crazy before. But now, damn that shit is insane. Instead of thrusting myself back into the bar scene I decided to dip my toe back into the dating pool with an oldie but goodie… Match.com.
Match is even scarier then it was before. Oh my gosh all of the men that were in shape are now couch potatoes that live in their parents basements. And let me tell you it shows!
This gentleman has recently moved to the area. He is from California and has been here for five months. Bonus points, he also works in the same industry that I do. Hence forth for this post he will be referred to as ”Cali”.
Description: 45, Latino, military haircut, very well dressed, divorced, two grown children, and expressed genuine love for his children.
We did not talk for a long period of time. It was about two weeks later when we decided to meet. We exchanged numbers before meeting. Cali was very attentive. He actually liked to talk on the phone. I tried to talk and not to text. It was really hard.
First meet was a Thursday night, we went to one of my new fave haunts. Its a trendy, Asian themed, intimate basement cocktail lounge. We agreed to meet outside. I went downtown early and got my makeup done. Because I forgot my makeup bag at home. I couldn’t meet someone for the first time without makeup!
I recognized him as soon as he walked up. Cali looked exactly like his photo. Thank God! And whoever helped him with his profile. I went in for a half hug right off, trying to break the ice. We went downstairs, the bar was empty. We sat at an intimate table to the side of the bar.
My bartender walked over and asked if I wanted my usual. Then asked if he should start to prepare my bestie’s drink as well. I told him its just me tonight and my date. My bartender looked him up and down. He continued to talk directly to me. I love my bartenders! I asked Cali what he would like to drink. My bartender awaits to judge the man by his drink.
He replies with, I don’t drink.
Inner Monologue Moment: STOP! Wait a fucking minute! Don’t drink? Does he mean like during the work week? Maybe he only drinks on weekends? I have nothing against anyone who chooses not to drink. They are stronger then me!
My bartender asks would you like a mocktail? Cali looks confused, and asks what’s that?
Inner Monologue Moment: The name mocktail implies everything you need to know. Mock and tail, when you put them together, what do get? I really need my cocktail NOW.
Then I ask Cali if he has an issue with me drinking. Because I plan on having a few adult beverages. He says enjoy as much as I want. Cali says he’s happy to be my DD in the future.
Hmmm, jumping to conclusions much are we?
Cali knows much information about me. So I’m using this opportunity to get to know him better. That is not hard to do. Because he loves to talk about himself, or anything in general that makes him look better. He talked for twenty minutes about his ex wife and the details of their divorce.
RED FLAGS! 🚩
Cali was overly complimentary. Example: Your eyes are so beautiful. Your skin is sparkling. I’m looking for a medical spa for Botox could recommend anyone?
Inner Monologue Moment: Bitch, what makes you think this is Botox? Greek genes honey! And ugh gag me and the many other cheesy compliments he gave that were annoying and ridiculous.
I’m three drinks in at this point, so we close out and walk to the restaurant for dinner. Its early evening, Savannah is quite small I like to keep my business to myself during certain hours. We are still within those hours currently. Cali and I are walking and he attempted to grab my ass in public!
Another RED FUCKING FLAG!
We are now at dinner. Cali has not enjoyed any dish that he has ordered. He has sent back three. It’s embarrassing. I go to this restaurant with friends and drink at the bar. I’ve never had an issue like he is currently having. He’s ready to close out and I haven’t even finished my food yet. I inform him once I finish eating my food and drinking my now fifth drink I will close out.
I decided to take him to a small hole in the wall bar that I do not frequent or like to end the evening. Because I could not risk taking him to any more of my favorite places. One of the cool features of this bar are the hundreds of napkins with drawings on them everywhere. It’s like mini pieces of art all over the walls. It’s really fantastic.
Cali was instantly cozy. He walks straight to the bar and orders a PBR. He comes back and slaps my ass.
Inner Monologue Moment: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! So much for I don’t drink! Could he just not afford my drinks? Well thankfully I can pay for my own damn drinks. And his hand is about to be broken at this bar.
I slap his hand away. I inform Cali I don’t know what type of women he’s used to, but I am not that type. He better not try to slap my ass again. If he does he will no longer have use of that hand any more. And all of the women in this bar will be my character witnesses.
Cali then apologizes and says its just in fun. I inform him thats not fun to me. And I’m not looking for a fuck buddy. I told you that when we talked on the phone multiple times. His mood automatically changes.
Inner Monologue Moment: Do men not listen? I said this all before. It’s not new news. I was upfront in my profile, on the phone, and now in person. What more am I supposed to do? Put a sticky note on my forehead that says: Fuck buddies need NOT apply here!
PBR drinking Cali tells me that he’s not going to be here for long anyway. That he has a family to get back to.
Inner Monologue Moment: RED FUCKING FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This cheating son of a bitch.
Currently I can’t speak, because all I can fucking see is RED. And the few people sitting around us are trying not stare, but they are watching. Well who am I to deny patrons a show?
I walk to the bar and order a shot of grey goose. I take my shot, a couple at the bar asks if I’m okay. I tell them that I’m about to be. But I ask if she would mind holding my baby, AKA my Yves Saint Laurent bag. She says yes it will be safe with her. And says the next drink is on them.
Bless Savannah locals.
I walk back up to Cali and ask him, so this whole evening has been a lie? Has anything you have told me been true? Are you even divorced? He replies, well I’m separated. I then ask about his grown boys. Because you just stated you have a family to get to. So please explain that statement. Cali says, my GIRLFRIEND and I have a little girl together.
Inner Monologue Moment: What the ever loving fuck is going on? Am I in alternate reality? Is this a reality show that I unknowingly signed up for? Because it seems like I just walked into a polygamist situation here. And I am not interested in any of the above.
I reply out loud, WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Cali replies, no one would go out with me if they knew my situation so I don’t tell the whole truth. I reply, well lucky fucking me. I wasted two weeks and an entire evening with you. Cali then says, don’t knock it til you try it.
All of sudden a drink appears in front of me. Its like a gay angel was sitting shoulder in my time of need. He says, honey I think you need this. I had two thoughts:
Inner Monologue Moment:
- Drink it
- Throw it in his smug fucking face
But I’m in public. Be good Bunny, be good, be good. Fuck this shit it, nope this drink was given to me for a reason. I’m going to use it well.
Cali left the bar sporting a red flag on his shirt. The lovely gay man gave me a hug and said honey I would of done the same thing.
Saying: The traits that I seem to be interested in when looking for a man: tall with a red flag, employed with red flag, well spoken with red flag, funny with red flag, pet lover with a red flag, a red flag with a handful of fucking red flags next to a red flag on a flag pole.