I met this gentleman on okcupid.com. Yes, a free dating website. I appreciate free. I mean come on don’t we all? Say yes to free my beloved readers. After you’ve appreciated free, than upgrade and pay. Research first!
Description: 5’10, 30, swimmer build, black hair with buzz cut, green eyes, wearing khakis and a polo.
So let me begin by saying this gentleman thought he was frugal. That’s being generous. He was fucking CHEAP! We went out a few times and we always went dutch. Apparently he was proud of the fact that could spend less than thirty dollars a month on groceries! Oh my god, what does thirty dollars buy at the grocery store? A gallon of milk, peanut butter, and ramen noodles maybe? Actually probably predominantly ramen. He had a cafeteria at one of his jobs. He would grab free meals there as well.
He is a thirty year old man who lives like a college freshman. Okay, we all have had or currently have room mates for the purpose of rent being cheaper. Two, three, four max. He had SIX room mates! SIX! And no not everyone had their own room. Some were bunking on the sofa or air mattress. I’m not anti air mattress (refer to not getting any). They’re actually quite comfy. But I’m not paying for sleeping on one every night. Are you shitting me? I at least had my own bed in college.
This gentleman is Army reserve. He is also a masseuse. Yes, hello trained and experienced wandering hands. He’ll rock my world in all the right ways. Do I need to say it? Yes, I do. SCORE! For the rest of this post I’ll refer to him as “hands”.
So after we have gone out a few times I got tired of his fucking cheap ways. I told Hands I wanted to go out on a real date. He said of course, I’ll plan and take care of it.
I get dressed up. I’m wearing a cute top, black pencil skirt, killer heels, and smoking black leather jacket. I look damn sexy. Definitely ready for a night on the town. All I need is my trained wandering hands to come and scoop me up.
Hands picks me up and he is wearing the following: baggy NOT well fitting jeans (let’s just say they’ve seen better days and the frays on the denim were due to wear and tear it wasn’t a fashion statement), an athletic sweatshirt, and flip flops. FUCKING FLIP FLOPS! It’s seven pm, we are going out. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to do with flip flops? I don’t even know. Hands is a good looking man, so he doesn’t look atrocious in his evening wear. But I mean come on, help a bunny out.
I decide to roll with it. I’m hungry after all, feed me in flip flops. But WAIT did hands make dinner plans out? Nope. That’s what one would expect for dinner. I’m a bunny who likes to go out every once and a while.
To all my male readers, here’s a tried and true tip. Sometimes you’ve got to spend a little money to get the carrots.
Hands pulled out chicken salad sandwiches wrapped in plastic from his sweatshirt front pockets. NO chips, NO fruit, NO WINE. Y’all know how I like my wine. A bottle of wine might have saved the sandwiches. But NO, I’m wine deprived.
I’m thinking a romantic picnic dinner possibly. In the park under stars with a water feature… Alas, I get plastic wrapped chicken salad sandwiches. On white bread, yes gluten! Does he want me to go into anaphylactic shock?
So, I’m sure you’re wondering how did this end. Well obviously I did not consume gluten and there was NO WINE to drown my bunny sorrows. After I finally escaped Hands cheap grapse. I needed a LARGE glass of wine. So, I went to my local bar. Thank goodness for my bartenders. Such lovely people. They actually gave me alcohol.
Unlike some hand-sy people.
While drinking my much needed and well deserved glass of red a ginger with a soul patch took note of me. The bartender told me the next glass of my red was on him. I raised my glass to him at the end of the bar in thanks. He got up off his bar stool and came over to chat with me.
He said the following when he approached me, “A beautiful woman shouldn’t look so sad. I was hoping the glass of wine would make you smile. Do you want to talk about it?”
Okay, I’ll admit ginger gave a really cheesy line. But it was the only good attention I had received this particular evening and he bought me wine. That’s the way to this bunny’s heart. We chatted, he ordered a cheese plate. Ginger was a bright light on my very dull and disappointing evening.
Let me tell y’all he was my savior.
Next post my beloved readers I’ll give you the details on how a ginger caught a bunny…