It’s summer! Time for the beach, swimming pools, lakes, or whichever body of water is to your liking. Due to all of the water activities swimwear is a necessity. The guys have it so easy. They just pull on a pair of trunks and go. Ugh! We ladies have many options: one piece, two piece, tankini, swim shorts and top, the list goes on. But the one common denominator in ladies swimwear is… the dreaded bikini line or as I like to call it the kitten upkeep.
Men just don’t understand the struggle to upkeep the kitten. What’s the correct kitten form? Is it a jungle down there? Just a landing strip, so the guys can’t miss it. Is it just trimmed up? Or is at as smooth as a baby’s bottom. My beloved male readers you tell me which do you prefer? Anyway, I’m getting ready for my much needed vacation. Don’t fret my beloved readers! I won’t leave you high and dry. I’ll still be posting.
Due to all of the swimwear and shorts I’ve purchased and plan to wear I had to go handle the kitten situation. She was in need of some tending to. The saying beauty knows no pain… So let me tell you beauty knows pain for certain activities and when you feel like your kitten is about to be ripped off, you think to yourself why I am doing this?
A friend referred me to a salon that specializes in kitten upkeep. I was a little nervous. It was my first time. The only other individual who had been that up close and personal with my kitten is my gynecologist and he likes to talk a lot.
A short Korean lady with broken English greeted me and took me into the back room. She told me to take everything off from the waist down, hop onto the table, and get comfortable. The room felt like a freezer. Somehow I don’t think that’s conducive to the kitten upkeep process. I start to think should I have had a little bird bath before I came? I mean I showered that day. But maybe a little extra fluffing would have been a good idea.
At this point my beloved readers, I’m sure you’re wondering what type of kitten upkeep I had decided to go with. I was a brave Bunny, I decided to go fully monty. I wanted to make sure it was good to go. I thought to myself you never know, I could meet another hottie on vacation. And if he has to use a cutlass to get through the jungle to find it that would be an issue.
Little Korean lady comes back in she asks, “Quick or the long?” I told her I wanted the long. I told her I wanted no man to be left behind. She nodded and said ok. She tells me, “Lean back and relax just like at the gynecologist.” But this time instead of something cold I feel a little heat. She warns me and says, “It’ll be a little warm.” Then she’s goes to work from the outside in.
I’m laying there trying to find my happy place. Bunnies are hopping along through a wide open green field. The skies are blue. In the midst of Bunny bliss I suddenly feel LAVA being smeared all over my kitten. So much for from the outside in! Then she pops her head around and says, “A little warm right?” I gave her a strained smile. I ask if she’ll give me a count of three. She says, “Yes, yes of course.”
But instead she adds more lava to my poor kitten. Then I feel some sort of cloth down there. But I’m not even sure because I’m not sure if anything is left of my kitten. Because I can’t feel her anymore. I wanted to ask the little Korean lady, is she still attached? Because at least with my gyno I know what he’s working on and he’s talking me thru it. I start to think like where’s Waldo? He could be with my lost kitten. Maybe we should join forces and start a search party. Two heads are better than one right?
Okay okay I digress, back to killing my kitten.
She’s patting everything down now. It’s starting to cool a bit. I feel her, my kitten! She’s alive! The blood flow has not been lost. Thank goodness. She pops her head back over, she smiles and says “Good?” I nod yes, because at this point I’m all in. She says “Ok, on three.”
She says one, then she pulls! Wait wait, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED to my THREE?!? Does she not know how to count? She should have said something. I would have gladly counted for her. DAMN! Little Korean lady has a hell of a grip. She did both sides at once! Without pausing, she slathers more lava on the inner delicate of my kitten. She’s at warp speed now. Slather, rip, slather, rip… Then she starts humming.
I’m still in a state of where’s was my fucking THREE shock?
She pops her head out again and asks “Good?” She looks at the my kitten and grins then looks back at me and says, “You have a beautiful pussy.”
Inter Monologue Moment: WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!? I mean it’s gotta look like a lobster down there. Or the first layer of skin is completely gone.
She slathers some minty gel on my poor abused kitten. This made everything wake up downstairs again. She pats my knee and tells me, “Turn over and get on my knees, butt UP in air, and relax.” HOLD ON wait a minute, we aren’t done? Surely there could be nothing left down there. Literally I’m not even sure if my kitten is entact. Even with the wake up gel.
I have assumed the position. It feels like she’s giving me a butt massage. But then she spreads my cheeks.
This is when it hits me… I asked for the long not the quick. OH FUCK!!!!
She slathers more hot lava on before I even can get out the words no need I’m good. I’m feeling the lava, and then rip! There wasn’t even a count of one this time. She has some serious issues with numbers. This is when I decide fuck it, I’m getting off this damn table with whatever kitten I have left. She says, “Wait she’s not done.”
I hear her moving around, opening drawers, etc. I look in between my legs, I felt like I was in a horror movie. She turns around in her little white coat with the LARGEST pair of tweezers I’ve ever seen. I didn’t even know that they made tweezers that BIG! She has this evil grin on her face. She proceeds to pull out the few remaining hairs from my behind. I don’t even know how hair could be left, the lava had to have burned it all. Are my hairs lava proof?
Yeah, yeah laugh it up folks. You won’t be laughing when it happens to you. Your day will come and then you’ll remember this moment.
And to think they want you to come every month? Are they fucking insane? Too much lava and ripping probably makes it numb down there! I really need to be able to feel. It’s important! I’ll let that mother fucker grow back and shave before I go back to the kitten torture. Who came up with this idea?
As I do the penguin wobble up to the front to pay for the kitten murder. I over heard some of the other technicians talking about an issue that arose earlier in the day. I thought to myself thank goodness that didn’t happen to me. Another long experience happened to a client. But when the lava was smeared onto her kitten apparently the outer and inner areas stuck together. And when the RIP happened… Let’s just say her kitten will never be the same again. She’s an alley cat now.
Quote: “High heels, waxing, make up, fashion, exercising. Sweetheart, it hurts to be beautiful.