W.T.F: Wine, Turkey & Family

Season greetings from Bunny! It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year. When there’s time to enjoy it of course. I’ve been working like a mad Bunny. And baby sitting my father. He’s going to be the death of me.

Let’s talk about turkey day….

The day is split between two thanksgivings. Brunchgiving is an early brunch/lunch at my place. And family thanksgiving is…. I drew the short straw. It’s also at my place. Hooray! Where’s the wine? And the mimosas? I bought a case of each. Gotta be prepared.

I did all of my grocery shopping early. And I prepped food for both thanksgivings the evening before. So I wouldn’t be swamped in the kitchen. I hop to it on thanksgiving morning to prepare my brunchgiving. If only the whole day could be brunchgiving.

Definition of Brunchgiving: Quality time spent drinking mimosas and bitching about family & work with friends. While eating delicious food that no one will make rude commentary about. Here is an example of rude commentary family members make: Be careful you don’t want to eat too much, no one wants a fat girl.

I send the girls off tipsy from mimosas and ready to tackle their own family turkey day. I’m now holding my “brave juice“, aka a large opaque purple tumbler which holds dark roast coffee with a hell of a lot of whiskey in it.

I’m expecting five family members for thanksgiving. All of my dishes are prepared. I only need to finish them off with toppings for the oven. The turkey has been in oven since brunchgiving. I’m re setting the table with a traditional tablescape with autumn colors. Thank you Pinterest, you’re this Bunny’s bestie.

My father has been acting strange all morning. But I don’t have time to interrogate him. He’s not bruised, broken, or bleeding. So I don’t have time. Door bell rings, an hour early… Who comes an hour early? Has Jehovah Witness decided to try and convert me? Good luck to them, I’ve got brace juice in hand. Today is not the day. (I’m sorry if I offended anyone, please remember my sarcasm knows no bounds)

I open the door. My aunt is standing there. I tell her hi & come in. I was about to shut the door. But she stops me. She says a few other people are coming go ahead and leave it open. They’re parking their cars.

Inner Monologue Moment: A few other people? I’m expecting a total of five. You are one of the five. That means only four more people should be knocking on my door. How many cars does it take for five people? Especially when four of those people are married. So technically only two more cars should be coming.

I take a gulp of my juice, step outside, look around the porch, and what do I see? A minivan and two cars. I recognize none of them. Who the fuck are these people? They certainly aren’t related to me. One car is partially on my flower bed. What the fuck?

I’m getting ready to go yell at these random people. Until I kind of recognize one of them. She is pulling luggage out of the trunk. I walk over, “Excuse me can I help you? And can you get off of my flower bed.”

She says, oh thank you so much for inviting us to thanksgiving! We are so excited. And also grateful not to have drive home after. Being able to sit and relax will be so great. Getting on the road after would have such a hassle. It’s so kind you to open your home to us. Isn’t that what the holidays are about? Giving, giving of oneself and time.

Inner Monologue Moment: Who the fuck are these people? What are they talking about? The only person sleeping in my home who isn’t me is my father. And of course my baby Teddy. These people aren’t stepping a foot into my home. I’m about to start dialing 911.

Until my aunt yells from the window of my home (like it’s hers) “Come on in you guys! The wine is on the counter.”

Inner Monologue Moment: This BITCH, is giving away MY WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can’t be happening. I don’t have enough brave juice for this shit. I turn around walk very briskly to my kitchen. I start to pull bottles of wine from my wine fridge. I grab a few in the pantry. I hide a few in Teddy’s toy box. The rest are now in my closet.

These fucking people are in my house. In the midst of wine transferring, four more people walk in. Those are the actual people I invited. So the total number people in my home is now eleven. ELEVEN FUCKING PEOPLE!! That’s more than double what was expected. Teddy is freaking out, he’s run off to find my father. I’m pouring straight whiskey into my tumbler. While I’m thinking who the fuck are these people?

I pull my aunt aside and ask, who are these people? She says they are friends from her church. All six of them. And that they had nowhere to go for the holiday. Then she says, she knew I wouldn’t mind. The more the merrier.

Inner Monologue Moment: Bloody Fucking Hell!

I tell everyone to settle themselves in the living room. I bring the cheap wine, some bar snacks, and hand them the remote control. As I’m walking back to the kitchen I see it…

SUITCASES. That’s right plural, suitcases in my foyer.

I walk straight into the pantry, dial my bestie, and start eating cookies. Her line is busy, so I text CODE BLUE CALL ME ASAP. As I’m waiting for her call I’m stress eating and gulping whiskey. The oven timer goes off for the turkey. I’m taking it out of the oven when one of the unwelcome guests walks into my kitchen.

He starts eating the cornbread straight from the container. Ummm germs much? Is this a barn? We wash our hands here. He then asks, do you have any sparkling water? He says, the cornbread is a little dry.

Inner Monologue Moment: Did this asshole really just ask me for sparkling water? Like he’s at a bar, asking his bartender for service. Because it’s not like I’m busy cooking or anything. These trifling people.

I walk into pantry. I throw him a bottled water. Turn around and continue to take stuffing out of the turkey.

Fast forward to dinner, I’m toasty, the whiskey has taken effect. Everyone is eating. Of course my table isn’t large for everyone. So people are sitting on my CREAM sofas eating. I’m cringing and hoping for no spills.

Everyone is enjoying the meal. People go back for seconds. Then they ask me for to go containers.

Inner Monologue Moment: DEEP breath.

No, I do not have any. I don’t keep leftovers, so eat up. They give me crap about not having containers.

Inner Monologue Moment: ok, it’s time for this bullshit to end. Bunny is tipsy. Bunny is tired. Whiskey Bunny is hopping free. BEWARE!!!

I walk to the front door. I place luggage on my porch. While still holding the brave juice. Everyone is laughing. They think I’m joking. I walk into the living room. I turn off the tv. Remove all wine, snacks, and food. I inform them that thanksgiving is NOW OVER. Please remove yourself and your belongings from the premises. Or I’ll be forced to call the authorities. They laugh again.

I turn to my aunt and say, you’re uninvited to my home in the future. Family doesn’t take advantage of each other. Take your guests and get the fuck out of my house.

Apparently that sunk in. People start to get up finally. The four family members I actually invited move to the kitchen. I grab a bottle of the good wine for them.

While I watch the intruders leave my home. One thanks me for the delicious meal. I look at her, and slam the door.

FINALLY!!!!!

Suddenly I realize, once all the intruders have left. Where’s my father? Where’s Teddy? I walk upstairs, open the door, and I’m greeted with… a MONSTER sized tv. My dad happily says, SURPRISE! Look what I got you! Isn’t the resolution and surround sound great! Even Teddy lives it! I grabbed some food downstairs. You seemed busy so I didn’t bother you.

“Who the hell are all those people?”

Saying: Leftovers are for quitters!

©️southerngabunny