Here’s a little background on the next male disasters.
I was at a concert, at a local bar with one of my girlfriends. When the male disaster, to which I’m referring to was spotted. So, we did the typical exchange of flirty come and get it eyes. Of course, the eyes worked (they always do) he confidently walked over to me. We discovered that we had mutual friends. This sparked conversation and we left the concert swiftly.
Oops, to my girlfriend who I left at the bar.
So, one thing led to another… and we end up at his place. He was a little nervous. We talked downstairs on the sofa for a few minutes, getting to know each other a little better. and yes, I actually mean conversation, clothing was still on.
He proceeds to tell me about himself. Not the typical, what do you do, hobbies, interests…
Instead he tells me his sexual preferences. These were not the every day average preferences. Of course, y’all wouldn’t be reading this blog if it was. The term that he throws out there is, chastity cock cage. Now, lets dissect that phrase.
Chastity, dungeons and dragons with princes fighting for the virginal princess comes to mind. Cock, ladies and gentleman that word is self-explanatory. Cage, well thoughts of serial killers from books pop into my mind.
Here’s urban dictionary’s definition for chastity cock cage (yes, urban dictionary really does have a definition for it): A BDSM device to “control” the penis and male sex drive. Frequently worn by “sissy girls” to feminize their sexual drive. Used to stop a male partner masturbating without his partners knowledge. Occasionally worn by self lockers to centre their sexual tension by stopping masturbation outside of “released” periods, which can vary from hours to days or months.
He also tells me that he used a penis ring. I’ll let you look up that definition on urban dictionary. After all, everyone needs to educate themselves every once and a while.
Now, I’m sure you can guess the phrase that pops into my mind, “What the fuck? Am I a magnet for crazy?”
I ask him if he plans on using his tools of torture this evening. He says no, he just wanted to inform me of what he likes and he’s hoping that I’ll be willing to lock him up and throw away the key.
Bet y’all never thought of that phrase being used in that manner, huh!
I inform him yes, I’m up for it. But I need to know what I’m working with. So, he drops his pants… to my surprise he’s already wearing one!
Yep, I didn’t except that and he enjoys wearing them. It makes him feel calmer. That gives a whole new meaning to calming yourself down.
So, I try to find a diplomatic way to get him to remove, the cage. I tell him I’d like an up close look, which is difficult with the chastity cage obstructing my view.
He looks giddy. He removes it and hands me the key. He tells me he wants me to keep the key… So, afterwards I can lock him back up in his mini dungeon. He then informs me that he can keep the dungeon on for up to three weeks! No, that is not a typo. Three weeks folks.
This is fine and dandy. But in the end, I came over to get laid. So, I’m thinking, lets get to it. We head up the stairs. He then informs me that next time he wants me to pick up a random guy in a bar. Bring him back to his place and watch me do him on his bed.
All I’m thinking is, I haven’t even done anything with you yet. Why would I be picking up a random guy for his own personal boudoir show?
He gets off on being denied… Crazy is, as crazy does.
We actually make it to his bedroom! I know it took a while to get there. His bedroom is a mess, clothes everywhere, no sheets on the bed. I try to take his mind off the cage, random man, etc. He tells me he wants me to be on top. I oblidge. He starts riffling thru his bedside table. I’m assuming for a condom. Safety first, after all.
But he pulls two objects out of the drawer.
Its dark, so I’m not completely sure as to what I’m seeing. First object, slim, petite and short. Second object, in a word a monstrousity. It was black and long.
My reply, “What the fuck is that?” So, much for condoms!
He then informs me what I’m looking at. They are anal plugs and I think, “Oh, I can work with this. He’s going to be fun. No problem, I’ve got this.”
I choose the larger device, insert, and go to my happy place. I look down to see how he’s enjoying the experience. To my bewilderment, he’s pouting, like a toddler who just got sent to time out. He informs me that he wanted me to use the devices on HIM!
Yet again I think, that’s right you guessed it, “WHAT THE FUCK!”
I have boundaries, that pushes me past the fine line. Actually it blows the fine line to smitherines! I proceed to get up and begin to get dressed.
He immediately begins to imply that I’m selfish. It’s all about me and how I have no interest in helping him to get to his own happy place.
Then, he switches gears and wants me to lock him back up in his little dungeon and after I do this, he wants the key back. I decide, nope. No key.
He’s been a bad boy and bad little boys shouldn’t be rewarded, they should be punished.
I’m walking away with the key in hand.
He wants to know when I’ll be back. He’s literally standing on his back porch with nothing on but the little dungeon. That’s a sight that a good neighbor doesn’t see everyday.
I told him that it was my decision to make. He said he had three weeks. So, I decided to let him ponder.
Moral of the story is: Dungeons don’t only exist in video games.