Autumn, what a lovely time of year. Y’all know all the cliches. Let’s talk about falling leaves, brisk wind, hot totties, snuggles with a blankie, scarves, boots, etc. Y’all get the point it’s a happy time of the year. You can snuggle up next to your loved ones, drink cocoa that’s spiked with kahlua and enjoy life.
Well if you live here in the South. All of the above listed paragraph is bullshit. Because we have yet as always to experience brisk falling leaves weather. Instead we have hot fucking sun every day, humidity that ruins good hair days, and iced tea that will not help with the ninety degree weather outside. All of my boots are still in the back of my closet. They are waiting for this time of year known as autumn or fall.
I’m on the hunt for a snuggle buddy for the non existent fall. I decided to give eharmony a go. The commercials say they find true love. So I thought what the hell. This Bunny is going to hop with it and try.
Description from website: 5’11, fit, works out everyday, dark hair, green eyes, employed, and the sign of choice I prefer (yes I believe in only signs that mingle well with mine).
We talked for about three weeks. Texting and emailing is going well. He understands that I’m not a phone person (please refer to Jack)We’ve agreed to meet for drinks. You know this Bunny loves her vino. He said we could just get to know each other in person over booze. Sounds good to me.
I arrive early. As I always do. I make friends with the bartender.
Bunny Tip: You never know when you might need your bartender to help you out. Always make friends if you can. (Refer to Gusher for why you need a bartender friend)
I don’t mean to brag. Well actually yes I do. I looked fucking gorgeous. Just saying. The kitten was kept and ready to party. Meow….
I receive a phone call from him. He says he’s in the bar and can’t find me.
Inner Monologue Moment: I’m the best looking thing in this damn bar. If you can’t find me I’m worried about his eyesight and basic common sense skills. But it’s only first meet. So I’m giving him some grace.
I ask what he’s wearing. He tells me. I look around. The only person in the bar I see with that ensemble does not look like the pictures from the we find you love website. My future love dresses well. Not like what I’m currently seeing.
The date is wearing the following: flip flops (what the fuck), cargo shorts with big bulky pockets, a wrinkled t-shirt that is one size to small, the shirt is highlighting NOT camouflaging his beer gut, unshaven, bed head, and a limp. Maybe the flip flops caused him to trip over cobblestones.
Inner Monologue Moment: Well the kitten is no longer Meowing. She wants to go curl up in a corner. And go to bed, with a bottle of Catnip.
So as he’s walking over I’m thinking do I even want to deal with this? Do I need to give one of my girlfriends the I need an out text? (Refer to cop)
I decide that I’m just going to drink. I might as well buy a bottle of wine at this point. My evening plans just died. The kitten and I are so upset. But there is hope he could have an excuse. Some reason or explanation. The wine will help me get thru this.
The first thing he says, “Wow, you’re so much better looking than your pictures.”
Inner Monologue Moment: Ugh……….. I really need the bottle of wine now.
He sits down. He tells me how’s he’s been looking forward to tonight and us meeting. He orders a drink. Then he starts to talk. The date says I’m sure you noticed my limp. He then informs me, he was in a motorcycle accident. The entire left side of his body is paralyzed.
Inner Monologue Moment: Oh my, umm. Well this just got a little awkward.
I call over the bartender. I tell him to just bring me the bottle of wine. I offer my date some as not to alarm him. He tells me that he doesn’t like wine.
Inner Monologue Moment: How can you not like wine? I mean come on? Really! It’s made from fruit. So it’s kinda healthy. You can cook with it. I mean Jesus drank wine!!!! Come on, JESUS!
The date tells me he likes craft beer only. He says none of that cheap shit. But when the bartender asks him what he’s drinking he says a PBR. What happened to craft beer only? I take a large gulp of wine.
I decide to be open minded. He’s a gentleman and feels guilty for lying to me. He says let’s try another bar. I agree, and choose one of my favorite dive bars. We claim a spot at the bar. I don’t recognize the bartender. So I introduce myself and I order hard liquor. I needed more then the wine at this point.
Bunny Tip: Don’t mix wine and liquor. Nothing good can come of it. Please learn from my Bunny missteps.
The date isn’t very chit chatty. He’s just listening to me talk. But he’s not really asking any questions or engaging. I notice a bicycle hanging over the bar. It has a sign that says ask how to win a bike. I’m in a questioning mood due to the wine and liquor. Why not right?
The bartender informs me that in order to win the bike, I have to order the liquor that is sponsoring the bike. For each drink I order with it I get a raffle ticket.
I now have a new goal. I NEED TO WIN THIS BIKE.
Shots are going to happen. I had four mixed drinks with the sponsored booze. But then I realized that was only four tickets. I don’t have a good chance of winning with only four tickets. I scan the bar. Everyone is drinking having a good time. I thought well let me add to their good time. I yell out, shots on me! That’s fourteen more raffle tickets. Yay! That bike is getting closer to coming home with me. My date looks at me like I’m crazy. I tell him to wait a minute. Karaoke is going on upstairs. I do not sing. But the people who do sing need liquid encouragement. I head upstairs. I’m polite and wait til the singing stops. Shots on me! Everyone comes downstairs for shots. Ten more raffle tickets. I’m now at twenty eight raffle tickets. BOOM.
My date is sitting next to me. As people are thanking me and chatting with me. He then puts his arm around me… Umm, no touching thank you. Personal bubble space.
My date says that he’s tired and needs to get home. He’ll walk me to my car. Psst, walk me to my car. I have a bike to win!! Hello? Has he not been paying attention? I’m not going anywhere. Not at least until the bartender will tell me who has purchased the most raffle tickets. I need to know. How can I beat them without this crucial information. I’ll need to buy the bartender a drink to soften him up first.
The date tells me he won’t leave the bar until I close out. He says I’m too drunk to drive. I inform him that I’m meeting one of my girlfriends. She works the door at a bar around the corner. I’m good. He doesn’t need to worry about me. But I tell him I’ll walk him to his car if he needs a buddy.
I’m walking him to his car. We reach the garage. I receive a text. Guess what? I won the bike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those two bottles of jack I bought did it! Yay! I tell him I hope you have a great night. Thanks for meeting me. But I’ve gotta go collect my bike.
I hop off thinking…. can my new bike fit in my car? I’ll make it fit!
To be continued… part 2