It’s a Friday night. Another long day… I decided I needed to go downtown. I needed some fun.
I heard a ping on my phone. It’s POF. I figured why not? I skimmed his profile quickly. Decided he wasn’t a serial killer and thought again, why not? I suggested meeting at my fave beer place. It was in between for both of us. So I put on a quick five minute face in the bathroom at work and rolled out.
I arrive early, as always. Take my seat at the bar, order cider and prepare myself mentally. He walks in, I recognize instantly. As he walks up to me, something seems off. As he gets closer I realize, he’s missing something. That something would be his chin.
Inner Monologue Moment: Does he have a chin? Wait maybe he does? Maybe he’s at a angle, that’s why it looks like that. Oh damn. Nope, it’s just GONE. Another day, another chinless date.
He says my least favorite line, “You’re more beautiful than your pictures.” Ugh…. I begrudgingly thank him. Then he follows up with, “I strongly dislike coming to this establishment.”
Inner Monologue Moment: What the fuck? Chinless, I gave you multiple chances to choose a bar. You didn’t. So I had to man up for you and choose. You don’t get to bitch about where I chose now.
Tip for anyone with online dating profile: POST CURRENT PICTURES!!!!! A surprise is not fun when it comes to missing parts of your body. (Refer to Good Ride)
My beloved readers, what’s the no no topic during a first meet? The exes. He opened with them. He gave me many details, including: while moving into their NEWLY purchased house. How she told the movers as they were packing up furniture that her stuff wasn’t going but to her new boyfriends house. Wonk wonk. Damn. He’s got some emotional baggage before he has even sat down.
He asks, “What happened with my past relationships?” I didn’t want to talk about it. But he kept digging, which pissed me off. I told him let’s change the topic. He also wasn’t keeping eye contact with me. He was watching the game instead of me.
Chinless’ personality was not jiving with mine. He’s aloof, rude, self absorbed and not open to new possibilities. He’s a NO! A large stop sign no. I tried so hard to be nice. But I needed a break.
I went to the bathroom to escape. I needed a breather. I check my phone. Maybe there’s an emergency. Maybe someone needs me. Someone could be stranded somewhere, right?
I take a deep breath. I realize there are no emergencies, fuck my life. I walk out. He’s standing next to his bar stool. I look down, he’s already closed out. After two drinks!!!
Inner Monologue Moment: Yes, freedom! Maybe he’s telepathic and heard my thoughts from the bathroom.
We walk out our separate ways. I’ve already decided I’m going downtown to drink at my girlfriends bar. I then get a text from someone whom I’ve been texting for a while.
I decide to just tell him the truth. Because I’m probably never going to meet him, so why not. Honestly is the best policy, so they say. I tell him that my date was chinless. I need a drink. I’m going downtown to drown my bad date in martinis.
He follows up with, “If I was there what would be needed to make you happy?” I respond, a fluffy bed from my fave 5 star hotel overlooking the park. Including a cuddle and some wine. I leave it at that and drive downtown.
I’m on the way to the bar. I receive a text. It’s says: Just booked the room, see you in two hours.
Inner Monologue Moment: Ummm…. WAIT. What just happened?
I call him. I ask what’s going on? He says he’s packed a bag. He’s on his way. Did I want him to bring me anything? Send me the address of where I’ll be so he can pick me up. He also tells me he put my name on the room too. So I can go ahead over and relax in bed if I want to.
I go upstairs to the bar extra chipper. I’m drinking happily. Next thing I know there’s a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to be greeted with car guy (refer to Cop a Feel). What the hell is he doing here? I guess they let anyone in the bar nowadays.
He says it’s good to see me. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Blah. Blah. Blah.
My filter is off due to me not giving a shit. I reply with, I’ve been avoiding you because the sex was bad. And who keeps a wash cloth in their back seat? My bartender has now moved in front of us while drying glasses…
Car guy stares at me. “I bet if you give me a second chance I could change your mind.” I told him I was waiting for someone. He replies that gives me time until he gets here to change your mind. Ugh…
So my drinks become free. I agree to give him the opportunity for the free drinks. Two hours later. The out of towner texts he’s parked and on his way to pick me up. I close out.
As I’m in the process of paying the bartender informs me that while I was in the bathroom car guy put his drinks on my tab. WHAT THE FUCK? Cheap bastard. Thankfully my bartender knew better and kept a separate tab for me.
I get downstairs. Car guy is still trying. I see out of towner coming. He is a happy relief. Out of towner is eyeing the hand that is on my back that is not his. And has noticed that I’m trying to get away from car guy.
Car guy extends his hand to introduce himself. Out of towner does not take his hand and replies sternly with, “How about you remove your hand from my girlfriend’s waist?”
Inner Monologue Moment: THANK YOU! Never so happy for a bit of a cave man moment. Can’t get car guy away from me fast enough.
We are in the hotel room. He’s unpacking his suitcase. Out of towner hands me a cell charger and a shirt that actually covers my ass. How thoughtful! Nice guys still do exist. I tell him thanks but the shirt will be unnecessary.
I strip off my clothes and get into bed. Honestly I’m tired and I kind of want to sleep. I ask him if I can take a quick nap? Then I’ll be ready to go. He says of course. Thirty minutes later I feel a poke.
Question for all? Is it possible for a female to get whiskey dick?
No matter how many times you do it, you’re just so tired you want to sleep. Your body is not cooperating. So I might have agreed at some point during the night to do a position that wasn’t particularly comfortable.
As soon as he goes for it, I remember why I don’t do this anymore. Sober up instantaneously. I let him do it for a bit. Then I stop him. He’s had enough.
He tries to go back in the other way. Whoa, whoa buddy. WAIT A MOMENT. I point to the bathroom. Go wash that thing off. He gives me the are you serious look?
The completely sober me says, yup GO WASH IT!
Saying: No double dicking allowed here✖️end of story!