So it’s been a rough week. What are the average ways to relieve stress? Exercise, yoga/meditation, and watch a Disney movie. I mean come on, who doesn’t love singing “Hakuna Matata”? If you haven’t you are missing some serious happy from your life!
But my beloved readers as you all know I certainly don’t qualify as average…
My de-stress methods are more along these lines: junk food, alcohol, and fucking.
After talking to the girls it seemed like everyone had a shitty week. We decided let’s go downtown and have some fun! It was an uber type of night. I’m not parallel parking my baby while tipsy or possibly drunk.
We hit up one of our favorite bars. It’s a young and trendy spot. It has beautiful river views, clean white lines, with marble and blue tones. We sit at the bar and order our own drinks and decide to grab some food to snack on. We are being classy this evening. As we are drinking martinis, gossiping, thinking of different ways to kill our bosses… you know a typical drinking night. There are a group of four guys across the bar.
It’s a girls night. We are saying NO to men tonight. It’s a screw men type of evening, Girls Only. We clink our martini glasses and cheers loudly at the bar. As we are gossiping all of us can’t seem to help looking across the way. DAMN IT! They are just so much fun to look at. Each one of them is tall, buff, and oozing masculinity. No rings on any left hands… Ugh why did tonight have to be girls night?
They knew they looked good too. We weren’t the only women ogling them at the bar. But we were good. We drank our martinis. I was about to order another round but a new round magically appeared. Our bartender informed us that the gentlemen across the way thought we looked thirsty. We each grabbed our cocktail and raised a glass to them in thanks. Then went back to girls night. We had to make them work for it a bit after all.
FOMG aka friend of my girlfriend then shows up and stands up behind us. (Refer to “should have had” for her story) She looks across the bar and throws a mini hissy fit. Then she informs us that her ex is across the bar. Oh shit.
Well that’s when one of the girls gets up and walks over to the hot gentlemen across the bar. She’s mingling with them, the ginger in particular. Five minutes later she comes back with four hotties in tow. I don’t know what she said or did, but the magic worked. Each guy zooms in on his lady of choice. The ginger saunters over to me. FOMG has left to mingle with other people at the bar.
We are making flirty conversation. He asks what I do for a living. I enlighten him. He looks perplexed. I ask him what’s wrong? He says I would have taken you for a kindergarten teacher. That automatically pisses me off. I inform him that women do more then tend to children now a days. He realizes he’s fucked up and said the wrong thing. He quickly counters with, what he does for a living. Ginger claims he is a professional baseball player.
Inner Monologue Moment: Fuck yea! Jackpot! I’ve picked up a professional athlete! The ones that wear tight white pants. It’s going to be a good night.
But wait a minute… I’m sure that line has worked on a lot of women. I’m not that many martinis in to be gullible. I laugh and tell him okay, prove it. He pulls out his iPhone (points for having and iPhone and not a droid, yay to blue bubbles). Ginger pulls up the team website. He shows me current pics of him in uniform with him and his teammates. This is when I notice two of the guys with him are his teammates. Omg, the girls and I hit the trifecta!
We decided it was time to hit up a new bar. The athletes said they would follow our lead. We saunter out of the bar feeling like hot shit. As we are hanging onto to our hotties in our heels and dresses. One of my girls decided she was going to walk shoe less. The physical therapist said he wanted to Uber. The next bar wasn’t far so we all decided to walk. That’s when one of my girls came up behind the therapist and scooped him up, fireman carry style! Yep that’s right she picked him up, that shit happened. All of the guys busted out laughing. She said come on it’s quicker to walk, I’ve got the baby!
That’s when the guys all offered piggybacks for us. I decided to walk. The other girls joined in on the race. They beat us to the bar.
New bar, complete opposite to previous. Hole on the wall, don’t know the last time floors have been cleaned, locals all around, and cheap drinks. The girls and I love it here. The guys seems surprised that we brought them here. I guess they were thinking another trendy bar with martinis. We threw them for a loop.
They order beers and ask us what we want. Everyone is getting cozy with their chosen hottie. He’s standing, I’m sitting on a bar stool. I touch his arm, he touches my leg, I poke his chest, the next thing you know… We are making out at the bar and we aren’t holding back. I honestly don’t remember what was going on while he was kissing me. All I remember I mean other then his hot body touching and kissing me is one of my girls tapping my shoulder and saying, “How many is this?” She’s referring to how many men I’ve made out with at this bar. I hold up three fingers, she then shakes here head and says double that number. She leaves, we go back to our previous engagement.
Everyone is leaving with their chosen athlete. We make sure we’re all good, phones are on and off silent. Then head out. Ginger and I head to his hotel suite. I walk in to see a gorgeous view of the river.
I could get used to this.
He asks if I’m comfortable. I told him yes I’m good. We both know what is about to happen. He picks up the phone, and orders red wine, strawberries, and ice from room service… I take off my shoes and head to the bathroom. While I’m in there I fluff my hair, check my face, a mini bird bath, and push up the girls in my bra. I give myself a little pep talk. I decided I was going to walk back into the room and basically attack him.
I open the door, he’s shirtless and wearing nothing but his jeans. I’m temporarily stunned. Because his arms and six pack have me in awe. He walks forward, picks me up so I’m straddling him, and pushes me against the bathroom door.
Inner Monologue Moment: Yes! So much for me attacking him. This is what I’m talking about!!
As we are kissing he’s holding me with one hand, that hand is cupping my ass by the way. His other hand is trying to unzip my dress while simultaneously driving me crazy. He puts me down suddenly leaving me breathless, turns me around, and unzips my dress. Then picks me back up so quickly I barely register that I’m wearing nothing but my bra and thong.
Ginger walks me over and tosses me onto the plush king size bed. The way he’s looking at me its like I’m his prey. And I’m loving every minute of it. I divest myself of my bra and panties. I mean come on we both knew that was going to happen anyway I’m just helping him out.
I then tell him very simply, “Strip.”
Thoughts: Baseball pants to girls are like yoga pants to guys.