Do It Rat Now

Memorial Day weekend, 3 days of bliss. A mini vacation from the trials and labors of upper management. A much needed break. That’s what I was hoping for, and I almost got it.

Then I remembered, my Dad is visiting…

It’s the wee hours on Monday morning. I’ve just fallen asleep. I had a mini Netflix a thon because I didn’t have to wake up for work the next day. I’m sleeping peacefully. Then I hear it. Every pet parent in the world knows the sound I’m speaking of. The hacking cough of my dog. Nothing will wake you out of a dead sleep like the sound of your dog about to puke on your wood floors.

I jump right out of bed. I pick up Teddy and run towards the back door. As I’m running I’m telling him, “HOLD IT, HOLD IT, YOU CAN HOLD IT!” While I’m running through the house I notice that my front door is open. But I don’t have time to deal with that. Due to holding Teddy in my arms while sprinting.

We make it outside. Yes!!! That sudden sense of relief takes over me. Then I realize oh shit, why is my front door open?

I make sure Teddy is okay. Then I tip toe towards my front door. This is when I realize I’m only wearing a t-shirt. But it’s long enough to cover my ass if I pull it down. So, I tip toe while keeping one hand on my shirt. I reach the front door and realize I don’t have my phone with me. I was in such a hurry to get Teddy to the back I didn’t grab it. But it’s too late now I’m already here. I decide to take a peak around the door. Then I’ll run back to get my phone.

Inner Monologue Moment: Fingers crossed Jason Mamoa has finally found my house! (I may have stalked him on multiple social media platforms.) He’s come to take me away. I can be the new moon of his life!

As I peak around I don’t see Jason, but my father. He’s standing in the middle of my walkway in nothing but his blue striped boxers and he’s holding a shotgun. Okay, so I can honestly say I don’t where this is going but it can’t be good.

Inner Monologue Moment: What am I supposed to do with him? Do other daughters fathers do things like this? Because I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle this situation whatever it may be. Okay, time to suck it up. Cover my ass with my tshirt and walk outside.

I whispered to my father, “Dad, come inside the neighbors already think I’m crazy.” He replies, “don’t you see it?” This is when I realize I don’t have my glasses on. I do a quick sweep of the yard. But I don’t see anything. My father points. But I can’t really see what he’s pointing to. His gaze is fixed on whatever it is.

I walk forward a bit more. I look left and right to see if the neighbors are out. Thankfully no one is out but us. Then I spot it, a large grey mass in the walkway. Without my glasses it looks like a grey object. Then my dad says, it’s a rat and asks me what is it doing here?

Inner Monologue Moment: How the fuck am I supposed to know what it’s doing here? Maybe it decided to take a nap. Or my walkway looked cozy. I really don’t give a shit. We are outside. Guess where rats live? Ding ding, outdoors!

Dad tells me he wants to get a closer look. He tells me to keep my voice down he’ll be right back. He goes through the house and opens the garage door. During this time the rat has not moved. So I’m pretty sure it’s dead.

He emerges from the garage. Dad crouches down by the bushes and quietly walks on the pine straw without shoes on in his boxers. And pushes the shot gun through the bushes. He’s pointing it at the dead rat. It hasn’t dawned on him that the rat has not moved during all this commotion.

I try to tell him the rat is dead. He shushes me. I walk over to it. He tells me I’m going to scare it and be careful. I’m standing over it. I tell him dad, I’m pretty sure it’s dead. He’s says hold on, let me come have a look at it with the gun.

Inner Monologue Moment: What is the shot gun going to do to the dead rat exactly? Scare it to death? We are already past that point. Maybe when the rat saw him in his boxers the shock gave him a mini heart attack.

So, I’d like all of you my beloved readers to take a moment and picture this scene. Me in my tshirt and my father in his boxers pointing a shot gun at a VERY dead rat. Then my next door neighbor walks out to pickup his newspaper.

Yep, this is my fucking life.

Inner Monologue Moment: I mean who gets a newspaper anymore? Everything is online!

I turned to my neighbor and waved, said good morning. I pulled down my tshirt, looked at my father, and walked right back in the house. I left dad standing over the dead rat.

A few hours later I’m heading out to pick up a few things. I’ve just let the whole rat thing go. I let Teddy out in the backyard before heading out.

That’s when I see my father…

He’s still wearing just his boxers. But he’s lounging in my sun chair and wearing my floppy beach hat. He’s holding his shot gun talking to himself “I just don’t understand how it got there.” Teddy looks at him, and then lays down at his feet.

Saying: Mister Rogers never had a neighbor like me.

©southerngabunny