It’s a lovely spring day. I’ve picked up some new flowers for my planters. Teddy is outside with me “helping” and by helping I mean he’s digging holes. Not where I need holes to be dug… But he’s having such a good time digging and rolling in the dirt I’m going with it.
I decided to invite my girls over for a little al fresco dining. I bought wine (of course) fruit, meat, nuts, etc. We sit drink, eat, I show off my green thumb. It’s a good day. The evening has wrapped up. The girls head home. It’s just my baby and me. I head into the kitchen to clean up a bit.
Then I see it…
Random movement in my peripheral vision. I check for Teddy. He’s in his bed. So it’s not him. There it goes again! Something moving on my kitchen floor. I go in to investigate. I see fur. But this fur has eight legs… It’s fucking HUGE!!!
There’s this massive speedy mother fucker of a wolf spider on my damn kitchen floor. What a brave fucking spider! I’ve got a dog and he still braved coming into my home. What the fuck.
Okay, I’m not a scaredy cat. But this mother fucker was HUGE!! I think it was a spider on steroids. Or genetically enhanced, like the Spider Man experimental spiders.
I know I’m out of my league. I back up slowly. The huge spider looks easily provoked. I bend down slowly to pick up Teddy. Then run like a woman chasing a $500 bottle of wine out the door.
I suck up my pride and call a fireman (please refer to kiss me). He picks up. I fake cry to get him to come over. I tell him something has invaded my place. Teddy and I are outside. Say no more, he’s over in ten minutes.
Fireman arrives wearing sweatpants, rumpled tshirt, and mismatched flip flops. I’m standing in the middle of my yard with my dog in hand. I see him. He runs up. I just point to the house.
He asks, did you call the police? I tell him I can’t call the police for this. He says yes you can that is what the police is for. You call them for intruders (refer to Handcuff).
Okay, so I might have mislead him to think an actual human intruder was in my home. But in my defense I did say something not someone.
I inform fireman that the something is a fucking humongous spider. He gives me the are you shitting me look. I then tell him that I’m not going back in until it’s gone. He says, fuck it I’m here already. I can handle a spider.
I told him it’s in the kitchen. He walks in. I follow behind him. But stay at the door. I’m his backup… Lol I know, that’s bullshit
Fireman enters the kitchen and sees it. The spider is on top of a butter dish that I keep treats on for Teddy. It had spread out and made itself cozy. It was bigger than the dish!
That brazen motherfucker.
Fireman turns back to me and whispers, what is it? It can’t be a spider. It’s as big as a rat. And it had fur! I shrug my shoulders. And tell him he’s the professional. You trained for shit like this. I did not. He turns back around and peps himself up. Then he heads towards it.
It’s like the spider felt fireman ready to go to action. The spider scurried across the floor. Then it jumped onto my fucking kitchen wall! OH HELL NO! I’m not dealing with this shit. I tell fireman, fuck it. I’ll just spend the night at a hotel.
He turns to me as though I’ve insulted his manhood. He says no, I’ve got this. The spider is now heading toward the refrigerator. Oh shit. It’s behind the refrigerator. He pulls my Williams Sonoma spatula out of the drawer and shoves it behind the fridge. He said he heard something drop.
Inner Monologue Moment: You better have heard something drop. Your using my $25 spatula! And I’ll never be able to use it again after this. Ugh..
He’s still using the spatula on different parts of the fridge. Fireman is talking to me. Telling me next time to tell him what he’s walking into. He thought it was a burglar, a dog, kitten situation… which he replies I’m an expert at fixing kitten situations.
Inner Monologue Moment: I know… My kitten just loves purring for you.
As he’s talking, the spider emerges. He hasn’t noticed. I’m trying to interrupt him without the spider noticing. Just as I get his attention, it JUMPS at him.
Pause for pure fear/shock as the LARGEST spider I’ve ever seen jumps way too close for fucking comfort……………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fireman with spatula in hand picks me up fireman carry style and runs out of the house with me. Teddy is running behind him barking. As I’m in shock and dismay, trying to figure out what just occurred.
Fireman then informs me, he’s not dealing with that. And that Teddy and I are coming to his place. Where he’ll give Teddy treats. And he’ll treat my kitten right.
Well damn. Who knew a spider could help out a kitten.