You cancel everything on your calendar and drive six hours for your girlfriend when…
She calls me crying hysterically…. I can barely understand a word she is saying. But finally when I can get her to calm down and breathe she tells me. The boyfriend of seven years, she thought was about to propose to her did the opposite. He broke up with her. She’s in shock. And can not believe what has just happened. She is literally calling me from her car after the break up in their used to be favorite restaurant.
I call the girls, we pack up and get a rental, and drive straight to our girlfriend in distress.
It’s now Sunday, we are heading home. The weekend has been a success. We can leave her not fearing that she is going to drink herself into a wine coma. But of course we left her with all the break up essentials: ice cream, chocolate, wine, delivery menus, and… we may have picked up a puppy. I mean come on, how can you not feel happy with a pup!
Before getting on the road we decide to pick up some road fuel. There aren’t many choices, we are in the middle of nowhere. There’s no elixir of life establishments. The choices are as follows: McDonalds, Burger King, and Huddle House.
Huddle house it is. I got hash browns. The girls went a little crazy. They got the works: cheese, gravy, chili, the list goes on.
We are two lights from getting on the highway. When one of the girls says, I don’t feel so well. I reply, that’s probably the tequila from last night. Then my girlfriend sitting next to me in the front says she feels the same. I ask if I need to pullover before we get on the highway. They say no it will pass, they’re fine.
On the road again we go. Ten minutes later on the fucking highway, my girlfriend from the back seat leans over to grab a cup. She says she’s going to be sick. As she’s leaning forward I suddenly smell a familiar odor. It smells like dirty diapers.
Inner Monologue Moment: Thank God we aren’t in my baby! And we got the extra insurance. Suddenly the money seems worth it right now.
The odor is so strong and repulsive that my girlfriend in the front seat instead of rolling down the window, jerks the door open.
While the vehicle is still in fucking motion!!!!
Now I’m yelling at her to close the fucking door. I’m still driving. My other girlfriend is up chucking in the back seat now. The odor in the car is now beyond awful. It’s hard for me to breathe.
I pull over on the side of the road. But I’m caught in my seatbelt. I’m still rolling to a complete stop. My girlfriend up front has basically fallen out and is puking. Then I hear the back door shoot open. All I see is clothing flying and her running towards the woods. I’m still partially in shock and trying to unstick my seatbelt.
I finally get unstuck. I run into the woods to check on one girlfriend. I’ve only got two napkins because this is a rental. She’s covered in shit from the waste down. She cleans herself up the best she can. I run back to the car and grab some pajama pants for her. She waddles out of the woods penguin style to try to avoid getting shittier.
I pack everyone back in the car and we go in search of a rest stop. But we can’t find any within the vicinity. So we have to stop at a country store.
Furry pink pajama pants girlfriend shoots off to the bathroom, and slams to stall door behind her. Unfortunately her digestive system is going full speed ahead. My other girlfriend is hanging into the sink trying to rinse her mouth out. When pajama pants girlfriend slings out of the stall now without furry pink pants. She turns and asks us if she got all the shit off.
She’s clean from knees to ankles. But the rest could still use some work.
Inner Monologue Moment: She reminds me of a baby with a way too full diaper that has exploded everywhere.
So she decides to give herself a mini bird bath in the sink. As she’s trying to haul herself up into the sink…
The gas station manager walks in.
He says, “WHAT THE HELL ARE Y’ALL DOING IN HERE?”
We all give each other deer in headlights look.
Inner Monologue Moment: So this is how I imagine the station manager’s view: He hears beating/banging coming from the bathroom. He’s hearing multiple flushes. And yelling/screaming. He probably thinks we’ve flooded the place. As he storms into the bathroom he’s greeted with, a rail thin girl missing her pants, half in the sink and half out. Another missing her shirt and covered in water. And me holding her hair.
So I politely tell him, I promise we haven’t broken anything. If you’d step out with me I’ll be happy to explain.
Advice: It’s all shits & giggles till someone actually shits!