My phone died during the night, which means no alarm. Teddy woke me up thankfully because nature was calling for him. I rolled over to look at him and thought oh fuck. Is that the time? It can’t be. Is it daylight savings? Maybe it’s jump backwards day or forwards whichever. No such luck I’m screwed.
I’m running a hour behind. I still have to get ready. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I need the elixir of life to even begin to handle this. Because without it all I can think is, OH FUCK! I made the elixir that gives me life. Then I ran to the bathroom to try to make my literally just rolled out of bed appearance presentable.
It was a dry shampoo type of day. How many days can you dry shampoo your hair? Because I’m at three and counting at this moment. I look for my pants. Of course they’re all in the laundry hamper. So it’s a dress type of day. I find a clean one on top of the pile. Score! The morning is finally starting to look up.
But if I wear a dress that means my legs will be showing. Ugh, now I’ve got to shave. Because prickly cactus legs are not sexy or attractive. Three days of hair growth will be noticed. I run back to the bathroom, looking for my good razor. It’s no where to be fucking found. So I have to use the disposable razor. I hate fucking disposable razors.
As I’m rushing to shave I of course nick myself on the ankle. It started to bleed. I do what everyone does, I grab some toilet paper and shove it on there to stop the bleeding. Then I grab my shit while sprinting out the door telling Teddy I love him as I slam it behind me.
I’m in the car on the way to my favorite establishment for the elixir of life. I looked down at my leg, I realized I’m still bleeding. FUCK! Instead of a slow dribble down my leg, it’s fucking gushing down my leg. My poor car! It’s too gorgeous for blood stains! I don’t have time for this shit. It now looks like a crime scene in my car. I’m at the stop light, I grab my Starbucks napkins from the glove box. I put them on my leg, and on the floor.
The light turns green, I’m in the middle lane a truck is coming up fast on my bumper. I get into the right lane, which is the proper thing to do. I don’t have time or the energy to be a bitch right now. When the truck goes to pass me, he immediately takes a right hand turn in front of me. This causes me to lay into my horn, it works very well. Instead of driving on my way I took a detour and followed him. I sped up next him, get in front of him, and slow down to a caterpillar crawl. Then roll down my window, and stick my middle finger out to tell him just what I think of him. He then gives the the hand signal to calm down.
Calm down? Mother fucker, don’t tell me to calm down. To my male readers, please don’t EVER tell a woman to calm down. Trust me when I tell you it will only end badly for you.
I text my girlfriend, “How do you get blood out of carpet?” She replies, “I told you if a situation like this ever came up, no phones, code words only.” I think to myself oh shit, she’s probably gathering duct tape, plastic sheeting, and gloves. I text her back no no, it’s not like that! I literally am bleeding in my car. Just me, no one else, this isn’t a defcon 1 moment. She replies, “Oh ok, thank goodness. It’s too early in the morning for duct tape problems. I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”
I pull into the parking lot. I look for my backup Minion band aids. Yes, I wear Minion band aids. They’re so cute! And come on, who doesn’t secretly want their very own little Minion. But I’m all out. Instead all I had were emoji band aids, that I picked up for my boss as a joke. I open the box thinking that I’ll get a smiley face, heart, or a watermelon. Y’all know something adorable. I look into the box and all I see is shit. Literally, shit band aids. You know the little shit 💩 emoji. Those are the only band aids left.
Fuck my life!!!
I slapped on two of them. Because one wasn’t getting the job done. I waited a minute, no gushing so I head inside. I’m in line, all my favorite baristas greet me. They have my drinks ready for me. They are such good people! I don’t think they know how much I need the elixir today. One barista comes over and gives me a hug. He gives me a funny look. But I just ignored it.
He told me I looked a little frazzled. He asked if I was okay? That poor guy didn’t know what he was asking. I told him my car looks like I had a dead body in it, customers have been calling since 6 am, I’m running an hour behind, and I think my hair is crunchy from over use of dry shampoo. Poor guy, he didn’t expect me to throw all that at him.
He is still giving me a funny smirk. That same strange look I ignored. He hasn’t gone away yet. He says, “Sounds like you’ve had a pretty shitty morning” and gestures to my ankle. That’s when I realize, I’ve got double shits on my ankle. I tell him yep, “It’s been a doubly shitty day.” (Please refer to never a dull moment for another shitty story)
Advice: NEVER! In the history of calming down has any woman ever calmed down by being told to calm down.