My beloved readers if you have not read my previous post about Greenhorn (refer to Part 1) please do so now. If you don’t you’ll be missing out on my Bunny shenanigans.
I’m in a hotel room which I’ve paid for with a broke baby slob and there’s NO mini bar… There’s NO liquor store close to the hotel. If there was ever a time where I needed my vino, this was it. I’m exhausted. I’m so pissed I go to change in the bathroom.
I had brought three options for bed: purple lacy teddy, workout clothes, or my birthday suit. I put on my workout clothes. That lazy son of bitch didn’t deserve a lacy teddy or birthday suit.
He lets me choose which side of the bed I’d like. Oh gee, how gentlemen-ly of him all of a sudden. I get into bed, plug in my phone, and get ready to snooze. I turn back to him and inform him that it’s shark week. So if he thought he was getting any he’s sorely mistaken.
He looked at me with a perplexed expression. That’s when I realized he didn’t know what shark week meant. Ugh… How much do I have to teach broke baby slob?
To my male readers: Shark week is also known as crimson tide, riding the red roller coaster, or the boring term is menstruation or period.
After I explain, he finally gets it. Then I roll back over.
Greenhorn tells me that he has forgotten his “sleeping pants”. So, he’ll have to sleep in his boxers. His boxers looked baggy, old, the one’s his mommy probably bought for him when he was still living at home, the fabric was extremely worn, they were a hot mess.
He hops into bed. I told him I need to sleep with the tv on, because I need some sort of light in the room. I turn my back to him and open up my tablet to read. He shifts around. I feel something hovering over me. It’s suddenly considerably warmer. Greenhorn is right up to my back looking over my shoulder. I look at him and ask him, “WHAT?” He hesistantly says, “Can I get a kiss goodnight?” I look at him for a few seconds, then give him a quick peck on the cheek. I roll back over. He’s STILL there. “He says that’s it?” I roll back over give him a quick peck on the lips.
At this point, I DON’T CARE if I’m being a bitch!
Next morning, it’s a new day. I’m hoping it’s better then the previous. I’m an early riser. Greenhorn told me that we had a wedding party brunch to attend. I needed to start getting ready. He wakes. Greenhorn tells me he’s going downstairs to grab breakfast. By the time I hear him from the shower and I’ve popped my head out he’s already gone. He left his phone so I couldn’t get a hold of him. An hour later I’m ready to go. I’m thinking damn, how long does it take to get two breakfast plates to go?
Greenhorn walks in, quite happy with himself. I notice he’s not holding a bag, plate, or cup. There’s nothing within his possession that involves food. He looks at me and says, “The breakfast spread was great!” : That no good, lazy, greedy, inconsiderate bastard didn’t get me anything. What the fuck?
Inner Monologue Moment: He pauses and says “oh wait did you want me to get you something?” No, of course I didn’t want any food. I enjoy hunger and starvation. What a fucking imbecile. I can’t fix this type of idiocy.
Greenhorn gets dressed. He trims his beard in the sink and doesn’t clean up. There are hairs everywhere in the bathroom. He asks me if he can borrow my brush? Because he forgot his. Is there anything that this boy remembered to bring?
I ask him what time we are meeting his friends. He said no one has texted him the details. I think to myself if I’ve got a wedding party brunch to be at I would have found out the time a few days ago, not the day of. But what do you expect from a broke baby slob?
I’m now officially cranky. I’m tired from driving, I haven’t eaten, and Greenhorn has no idea what the fuck is going on. This Bunny would kill for a carrot!
Bitch, where’s my fucking carrot?
I started to text my bestie. I needed to vent. He saw me texted fast and furiously. Greenhorn asks me “What’s wrong, am I okay?” I tell him I’m FINE! Oh course I’m no where near fine. I told my bestie what was going on, she couldn’t believe this crap. Greenhorn tries to make small talk. He realizes he’s dying a slow death. He told me, “It’s pretty cool that I matched my toe nail polish to my hair.”
Yep, I know my beloved readers I can’t make this shit up.
I turn around and tell him, “SHUT UP! I’ve already told you I’m fine. Stop trying to cheer me up, and figure out what the fuck we’re supposed to be doing.”
We head out to grab lunch. The restaurant we go to is a shack on the side of a mountain. The name of the shack is, Butt Hutt. It is a hole in the wall. It’s folding chairs and paper plates. Not what I’m used to but I’m hungry, so I’m game. It’s also barbecue.
I LOVE barbecue!
He’s complaining, says everyone is staring at him. I didn’t notice. He orders one meat and a side. I order three meats and three sides. I’m a hungry bunny! He turns to me and asks, “Are you sure you can eat that much?”
Inner Monologue Moment: Yes, you broke mother fucker I can eat that much. Watch me! And yes you’ll be paying for my lunch. Because I’ve paid for everything else.
I go to the bathroom.
When I come back he informs me that he paid. What does he want? A pat on the back for doing what he was supposed to do. They don’t give out medals for being a cheap bastard. We finish eating, he finally hears for the groom. We are going to meet the groom at his house.
Greenhorn told me that the groom lives in the middle of nowhere in a trailer park. He told me to smile and not to judge. I said okay, I wouldn’t judge it’s his wedding weekend. I’d be nothing but happy and supportive. Fifteen minutes later we pull up to a beautiful two story house on the side of a mountain.
Hmmm… I don’t see any trailers around.
Groom greets us at the door, smiles, hugs me, introduces himself and his dogs. He treats me like he’s known me for years. It’s so nice. Because Greenhorn has been nothing but a complete ass. The groom invites us to sit down and get comfortable. He looks directly at Greenhorn and says, “Man, I’m still pissed at you. I can’t believe you cancelled on us at the last minute for staying here at the house with us. We waited up for y’all until eleven and made dinner.”
Stay with us? Dinner? We? What the fuck is going on? No one told me anything about this. I turn to Greenhorn and ask what is he talking about? He stumbles and mumbles. He walks off to the kitchen and makes himself a drink. WHAT A PUSSY!! The groom and I look at each other and let it go. We chit chat and enjoy each other’s company. He informs me that he and his fiancé live together, how they met, who the rest of the wedding party is etc. He tells me the rest of the groomsmen are about to show up and that I’m welcome to stay. I told him thank you for the invite. But I had planned to go hiking.
I left him and went hiking on my own. I told him I’d be back to get ready for the rehearsal dinner. Four hours later, I’m showered dressed, and ready to go. I’m greeted to a red faced, tipsy Greenhorn and a bunch of almost drunk groomsmen. The groom asked me if I could drive them to the rehearsal dinner. Because he was in no condition to drive.
Do you know how difficult it is to get into a jacked up county truck in a short flowy dress and heels?
Let me inform you it was truly a difficult task. Greenhorn offered to shove me in. I told him no thank you. The groom offered to help me up, well it was more like lift me up. I told him yes please. Because honestly I felt safer with the groom’s hands on my ass than Greenhorn’s.
I’m driving this big ass truck filled with drunk men. I’ve never driven a truck before and this one has HUGE tires, it’s very HIGH off the ground. It’s taking a little adjustment to get used to it. The almost drunken groom is directing me. He loses focus, then realized the turn is coming up. He yells at me, quick turn here! Did you know that you can tilt a truck? I didn’t know that you could. But I DID. I screamed out, “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!” The groomsmen got quiet. I looked in the rear view mirror and said, “Please, I know you’ve all dropped the f bomb before.”
We arrive at the rehearsal dinner. I get quite a few looks from the bridal party as I try to disembark from the groom’s truck. I was very friendly with the groomsmen by this point. As we started to mingle, Greenhorn is talking to all of his old friends. He wasn’t introducing me, he kinda ignored me. The groom introduced me around. I instantly bonded with the groom’s father’s girlfriend and the priest’s wife. Rehearsal went well but long. We finally get back to the house for dinner. I’m having some issues mingling.
No one is being friendly. Everyone is in a clique. No one wants to venture out of their clique. It’s like middle school all over again. I try to join in conversation. They were talking about jewelry. One of the girls turns to me and says, “Was I talking to you?” Then turns around and continues talking to her friends.
Inner Monologue Moment: What a bitch! Did no one teach these people manners? This would never happen at home. All of my friends are friendly. We try to make new people feel welcome, not alienate them. I need a damn drink.
The night is winding down.
I walk around to find Greenhorn. I find him mid conversation. He’s talking to his old buddies. He’s laughing, and said, “Why would I ever put a ring on it? There’s nothing special about it?” All of his friends were looking at me and they had that I’m sorry look on their faces. I sit down on a bar stool next to him. And say, “Please do continue, don’t let me stop you. Do inform me as to why I’m not marriage material.” He then gets up to go get another drink. I’ve lost count of how many he’s had. I’ve cut myself off. Because apparently I’m DD for the evening.
It’s time to go. FINALLY!!
I have the groom’s keys. I’ve gathered the groomsmen near the truck. I go search for the groom. I find him plastered. His shirt is unbuttoned, his pants are undone, and he told me he was ready to go. I shove all of the groomsmen in the truck. It was similar to when you see the clowns at a circus get into a car. That’s the best way I can describe it, minus red noses and huge shoes.
We are all in the house. Three more guys show up. So, it’s me and eight men. But the groom even in his drunken state is still being a great host. He makes sure I’m okay, asks if I need anything, gives me a blanket, and puts on a movie for me. I’m basically crashing his last night as a single man. But he’s being so nice to me. A little bit later I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa. Greenhorn shakes me awake. He says he’s been texting me that he was ready to go. That lazy bastard. We are in the same house he couldn’t just come find me?
We get back to the hotel. He gets the same treatment as the evening before minus the kiss. He hovers but I’ve got nothing to give.
He wakes up the next morning. I’m packing my shit. He looks at me confused.
I tell him “I’m leaving!” He asks why?
Inner Monologue Moment: Why? Why? Is this asshole serious? He truly is oblivious.
I inform Greenhorn that I didn’t sign up to be any of the following, “His mother, babysitter, DD, bank account, personal chauffeur, or maid. I can’t take anymore.” He’s been childish, rude, and inconsiderate. He then asks me, “What will everyone think when I show up alone at the wedding?” I tell him I don’t care, it’s his problem to figure out. He should have thought of that before he acted so selfishly.
He asks me another question… Prepare yourselves, grab alcohol if you have it near you.
Would I do him a favor? “Could you please text my mom that you had to leave for work? ” So that way she won’t blame him for me leaving.
Inner Monologue Moment: Are you FUCKING KIDDING me right now? There’s NO WAY in hell I’m texting his mother.
But I tell him sure, I’ll text your mom. I text mom the following: I’m very sorry. I have to leave. This weekend has been nothing like I planned. I’m extremely uncomfortable with your son. I enjoyed meeting you. I wish you all the best. She replied, okay no problem. It was great meeting you too. Safe travels on the way home. See, even she knows her son is a complete douche.
I tell Greenhorn that I texted his mother. She completely understood leaving for work…
Before I leave I stop by the front desk.
I tell them that my card has had suspicious activity on it, so it’s been temporarily frozen. I ask them to remove my card from the account. I tell them to charge the other card on the account. If they have any questions I give them his phone number and address. So they can direct any issues to him.
I grab my bags and walk out.
My saving grace for the weekend was my girls. They were at the pool and bless their southern hearts, they had a margarita waiting for me poolside. Friends give friends margaritas.
Tip: If you find a Greenhorn, tell him to go deep throat a cactus.