To my male readers: Let me give you crucial advice. This is going to help you in the dating pool. You’re welcome in advance. Silence is NOT your friend. Silence will not help you get laid. Silence will not help you in anyway. Unless you want to be left alone.
Dating is a two way street, right? So that means communication needs to happen on both sides. I put in the effort. I communicate. Why can’t he? I’m not clingy. I’m charming, funny, and sometimes sarcastic. Since when are these personality traits a turn off? I’m so confused. If he would only text on a more regular basis I’d be a happy Bunny. By regular basis I mean at least once a day. Not just, “How’s it going?” Please put some effort into it, pretend like you care.
Thank you for listening to my man rant. My male readers I love each of you! If you have any tips for me, please do send them my way.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from Out of Towner (please refer to up). As you can tell, I’m a little peeved. We’ve been seeing and communicating with each other for multiple weeks. Then suddenly nothing. I’m left at a loss. I understand we all get busy. But two weeks! I’m kinda over it.
Drinks are needed, the girls can always help me out with that. Maybe even find a new friend downtown to help my tipsy sorrows. Its BOGO on Fridays at my favorite wine bar. Or as the girls and I like to call it, winos anonymous.
The girls point out all of the red flags I’ve missed. Since I’ve been smitten I’ve also ignored them. It happens to all of us. It was one sided. I put forth the most effort. He didn’t try enough. I mean I don’t drive six hours for just fucking. I can find that at home thank you very much.
Two bottles in, so it’s time for a change of scenery. We go to our favorite speak easy. The girls and I are greeted by the manager of the bar. (please refer to good ride) He’s working the door. He is wearing a rumpled cardigan. I make commentary on his cardigan. He looked a mess. Someone needed to tell him. What are regulars for?
We are ordering drinks. I’m a little fuzzy. Our favorite bartender tells us that their system is down. They are the only taking cash.
I say well how about a tab? We are in here all the time after all. She says it’s against policy. Well fuck me. This round is on me. So, I tote my tipsy ass to the bank and pull out cash.
I take a short cut thru the alley. I’m almost to the bar, the manager gives me the I’m in trouble look. Oh shit, what happened while I was gone? Did one of the girls dance on the bar or something? If so, I hope someone made sure she took off her heels first. Good friends make sure you don’t fall off the bar.
Bar manager gives me shit for walking down the alley by myself. All I can think to myself is I’m a grown ass woman. I’ve lived on my own for years. I walk down alleys. No one bothers me. If they did I’d take off my heel and use it as a weapon. Or the pepper spray I always carry too.
He’s finished giving me shit. He then asks about the guy I was seeing. I gave him the look. It says, what guy? He gets the point and says no more. But I tell him that the one thing I miss about the guy is the connection the comfort, cuddles, and coziness. Have you ever felt like you’re at home with someone? That’s what I miss most.
I close out our tab. The girls and I are leaving to go grab food. We went to Huddle House. Let’s just say no one kept to their diet.
Fried food smothered in chili. Yes….
I receive a message alert. Deep down I’m hoping it’s from Out of Towner. Because I’m still holding a small bit of hope inside. Instead it is, Bar Manager. This is unexpected. I paid the tab. Did one of the girls do damage to something in the bar while I was gone? Forget something perhaps?
He says that he is closing up in thirty minutes. Then he’ll be home. Would I be interested in coming over for a cuddle?
Inner Monologue Moment: Is there such a thing as just a cuddle? Please.. that doesn’t exist. Maybe in fairy tales and movies. If so, if I’m living in a fairy tale then Jason Momoa will come and sweep me away to a deserted island. All we need is each other y’all.
I’ve gotta figure out a way to leave the girls. But make sure they’ll be safe. I call an Uber for us. I program two stops. First my car on the street, then to one of the houses for the girls. I tell them I’ll see them tomorrow at brunch I’m fine to drive. Ta da!
So I arrive just as he is parking. I grab all my essentials for the morning and follow him inside. I’m greeted with the smell of old and leaky house. There are waist high stacks of books in the living room. I weave my way thru the maze to the bedroom. He presents me with a t-shirt. I thank him for it and we crawl into bed.
He automatically stuck to me like a magnet. He wasn’t joking about the cuddling. He made commentary about my cold feet.
Inner Monologue Moment: Why doesn’t he try walking around in a dress and heels with just a coat on? He’ll see how warm his feet will be.
His phone started to buzz at 3 am. He explains that he has a few drunk females that like to come over and fuck after drinking. He tells me ignore, because he is.
In the midst of the cuddle I hear his upstairs neighbor come home. I can hear everything thru the walls. Including the sex a thon that’s about to take place. The neighbor, she’s getting it. She goes thru three guys within a four hour time span. From the bedroom, to the shower, the living room. She’s living the dream. The three minute sex dream. No, that’s not my dream my beloved readers. I hope it’s not yours.
Now listening to the sex a thon upstairs has made me feel a little awkward mid cuddle. Bar manager is rubbing my arm. He is caressing it gently while making sexy commentary. He’s informing me that he knows I’ll be thinking of him later.
I thought I was thinking to myself. But I wasn’t. I said, “Mmm, nope.” He paused. I paused.
Inner Monologue Moment: OH FUCK, did I just say that out loud? It’s the two bottles of wine!
We eventually fall asleep. He does not snore, bonus points for his future squeeze. It’s seven o’clock on Saturday. I need to get home to change, feed Teddy, and meet the girls for brunch. Basically I need to hop my Bunny ass out of here. As I’m about to leave I wake him. Tell him thanks for the cuddle, but I need to head out.
Bar manager said, “How about you give me a little peak of the girls?” Again I think about it. I put my hand on my shirt. Then said, “Mmmm nope. See you later!”
Quote: Cuddling. It’s all sweet and innocent until someone gets a boner.