Hello my beloved readers! I’ve missed all of you! Sorry for the delay. Y’all know life is a bitch sometimes and some people just don’t understand. Blog time is important time. Due to my long delay, I have new funny and juicy stories for all of you!
Never a dull moment. Bunny is back.
It’s a Netflix and chill night. Teddy and I are snuggled in bed. We are eating popcorn and nerds. Pjs are on, blankie, and tumbler filled with wine. I’m not going anywhere. In the middle of my binge a thon my phone rings.
Inner Monologue Moment: What the fuck? It’s Netflix night! Who the hell is calling me on Netflix night? I’m strictly text only. This is a brave son of bitch whoever they are.
I pause and answer, “What? This better be good.” Instead of hearing a cheery female voice I hear a deep male voice. I double check called ID, I should be hearing my friends voice. She is most certainly female.
And so the problems begin…
The stranger with my girlfriend’s phone in hand is calling to find out the owner of the phone he has within his possession currently. He tells me it was left in the bar. No one has claimed it. He doesn’t feel comfortable leaving it with the bar staff at the establishment.
Inner Monologue Moment: Fuck my life! I’m going to have to put on a bra. The agony!!!
I thank the gentleman for calling. And tell him I’ll be at the bar in fifteen minutes to get her phone from him. He says okay, he’ll wait for me.
Fast forward twenty minutes… I walk into the bar. Call her phone to find the stranger with her phone. He waves to me.
Description of Rescuer: 5’10, average build, great smile, good teeth (yes it matters), midnight black hair, brown eyes, dressed well (no jeans), Hamilton watch with brown strap to match shoes.
Inner Monologue Moment: I hope he’s not gay.
“Thank you so much for holding her phone and calling me.” I spot some of her friends. But no girlfriend in sight. I excuse myself and talk to them. It’s a bachelorette party. I ask about my girlfriend. They say she went to the bathroom. They have not seen her since.
I head to the bathroom to investigate. There’s no one in there. I bend over and see her heels. Eureka! I’ve found her. I call out. She replies, “Bunny! You came!” I tell her to open the door. She tells me she can’t. I think to myself is she so drunk she can’t do it? Then she explains.
She tells me, she looks a wretched mess. I told her it can’t be that bad. Then she informs me of how that happened. Reminder the door is still closed at this point. She dropped her bag while in the stall. Everything fell out of it. She was crawling on the floor to pick up everything.
I need to point out that the current bar that we are in is more of a dive. And cleanliness is NOT part of their daily items. The floors are disgusting. DISGUSTING!!!
One of the toilets has overflowed…
So, she tells me she heard the toilet flush while she was picking up her belongings. She can’t find her phone. She then came to the conclusion that her phone got flushed. (I’d also like to point out her phone is way too big to actually get flushed.) But she took off her watch and went digging/swimming for it.
I repeat to her, open the door. The door opens I’m greeted with a drenched friend. She had on a hot pink dress that was plastered to her. She looked like a drowned rat. I then present her with her phone.
Her response, “You found it! Where was it?” I inform her on the bar, where you left it. A cute guy called me about it. We head back out to the bar.
She is double checking her bag to make sure she has everything. She discovers she doesn’t have her keys. Shit. She actually could have flushed those. But, she usually has a spare so I’m not too worried.
Her friends have left. I give her two choices, she can come home with me or I’ll call her a Uber after we swing by her car. We leave the bar. The Rescuer is with us as we walk to the bar. As we pass another dive bar, she decides she needs to pee. Because she couldn’t have done that in the last bathroom she was in…
We follow her in. She trots off to the bathroom. Rescuer is heading to the bar to get us a drink. When I spot Christmas tree (please refer to I liked you better).
Fuck my life!
I grab Rescuer arm and tell him he’s my boyfriend. You’re a Doctor from Charleston. Please go with it. He nods and heads to the bar.
Christmas tree comes over says hi. I make awkward conversation. While keeping my eye on the bathroom for my girlfriend. Rescuer returns with drinks in hand and puts the other hand around my waist. He says to Christmas tree, “You must be one of Bunny’s friends that she’s told me about.”
Christmas tree replies, “We aren’t exactly friends.”Rescuer says, “Oh, I’m the one who stole her from you. Lucky me.”
Inner Monologue Moment: Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I find a corner to go kiss him in?
Girlfriend has arrived. She’s confused. She sees Rescuer arm around me. She gives me a look. I give her a head tilt and a wink. She goes with it. Rescuer says hi to her, gives her a drink and says let’s head out. We say our goodbye to Christmas tree and leave.
On the way to the car, she decides she needs an apple martini. We happen to be next to our favorite jazz bar. She’s inside before I can stop her. I look at Rescuer and at the sky for a few minutes before we follow her in.
She’s already at the bar. Yelling at one of bartenders, he’s on the opposite side of the room. The bartender who’s closest to her whom we also know says he’ll get her the drink. She tells him no. She wants the other bartender and saunters down to the other side of the bar. She steals someone else’s chair. The purse is still hanging on the chair!
The bartender tells her hi. She says I’ll take an apple martini. I roll my eyes and walk over with Rescuer. The bartender asked if I want my usual. I tell him yes and also whatever Rescuer wants. He’s been a sport. I at least owe him a drink.
Rescuer closes out our tab again. He said he insisted. We leave and head to the car.
We find her car. But there’s a problem. No spare key, fucking hell! So we call a locksmith. Rescuer is still with us. While waiting a group of drunk gentlemen walk by. One whom is particularly far gone asks if we need help. She replies, “we are good I called a locksmith.”
The drunken stranger says, “oh I can help. I’m great at fixing things. I’m a helper.” Rescuer and I tell him no thanks we’ve got it. His friends try to get him to leave. They move toward the end of the street and are standing on the corner.
Five minutes later, we hear a crash. And then an, “I fixed it!”
Inner Monologue Moment: That motherfucker. He broke her back window!
I yell out, are you fucking crazy?! What the fuck! Rescuer and I run to the other side and see the damage. The stranger says, you’re welcome! You can get in the car now.
There is now a brick on my girlfriends backseat.
We of course call the police. I explain the situation. Pop a lock shows up to confirm it. The police look around for the drunken idiot.
Where is he?!?
I’ll tell you where that law breaking idiot was. He hopped into his car, two cars back. And proceeded to drive ever so slowly around us and to a stop sign. Everyone including the police officer was in shock.
The officer walked over to the idiot driving. And told him sir I need you to exit your vehicle. Two minutes later handcuffs are on, rights are being read. That was probably the easiest ticket he wrote that night.
And that my beloved readers is how Bunny met the Rescuer.
Truth: I wish I could lose weight as easy as I lose my keys, phone, glasses and even my mind.