As this pandemic continues, I’m #stayinghome as much as possible. Unfortunately my beloved readers my dating adventures are on hiatus. Until quarantine subsides and I can venture out safely. But have no fear! I still have shenanigans for all of you. They are just of the dressing room variety.
My city has granted a slight reprieve and we have a little bit of freedom now. They include outdoor areas with social distancing intact, such as: beach, park, cafe/bars with outdoor limited seating, and shopping at the outlets (because yes they are outdoor, hooray!).
I went to the outlets with my bestie in our lovely yet practical masks. It’s been a month since I’ve put on a real bra. And oh my fucking god … I’d forgotten how uncomfortable these damn things are! I wish I could just let the girls be free! I’m sure many men would appreciate that thought. But I know way too many people in this small ass town. I can’t take the risk. Real bras suck!
I can’t fit in any of my work pants due to “quarantine 10”. So I need a few new things for when work reopens. And some casual errand dresses that hopefully no bra will be required for. We’re in Express because they have 50-70% off the WHOLE store. Umm yes! Shopping spree and me!
I pick almost one of everything it feels like in my size. My girlfriend and I head to the dressing room. Due to social distancing only every other dressing room is available. The handicap dressing room that would fit us both comfortably is currently occupied. With a mother and she has multiple children. I can see a stroller in there too. And from the sounds of it, she may walk out of that dressing minus one child. My girlfriend and I decide we can squeeze into one of the smaller rooms. We make it work.
Tip: Don’t go shopping alone for the following reasons: morale support, size runner, honest opinion, calculator, do you really need this-er, and don’t move you’re going to rip it.
My bestie is letting me go first since I have more to try on. It’s a tight fit in the room. But she’s sitting and we’ve separated everything for efficiency.
Round 1- Pants
First pair of pants, I’ve got the same pair at home in a size 4, just in a different color. It should be an easy yes. It stops at my fucking knees. FUCK! Next pair of pants. This is a different fit, but same size. Fucking hell, I can’t be this fat already. My girlfriend calmly tells me it’s water weight I’m overeating. I’ll go grab you the next size.
She’s back and this should a breeze. Pants make it past the knees, so I’m feeling success. But then the pants come to a screeching stop at my ass. Another loud FUCK is heard throughout the dressing room. My girlfriend reminds me there are children in here. But I don’t fucking care, this is ridiculous. This is sooo depressing. I thought the bra was going to be the worst part of my day. Well so much for that!
My girlfriend says no worries I’ll just grab the next size. I feel like the world has ended. It’s crashing in on me and I can’t even go to a damn bar to drink after.
Deep breath, she hands me an eight. It’s glides up and over my ass. I button them but they fall straight back down to the ground. Thankfully! It just isn’t fitting. The universe is telling I’m not an eight. Nor am I needing pants currently.
Round 2 – Dresses
Can’t go wrong with dresses. They’re easy, breezy, on and off. And most importantly no need to wear a bra for most. It’s a win win! And I NEED a WIN.
Going in strong, ready for feeling my best in a new dress. But unfortunately my girls have other ideas. I can’t even get the first dress over my head. Next size, please. My runner heads out. I try on another dress while she’s running.
She opens the door. And is greeted with, me stuck, hands up in the air, maxi dress hasn’t made it past my shoulders. She busts out laughing. Has to sit down because she’s laughing so hard. While I’m still stuck in this damn maxi dress. After the laughing stops. I ask her, can you just get me out of this fucking dress please? She peels me out of it. Next size, is too damn long. #shortpeopleproblems
At this point I’m over it all. Can’t we just go purse shopping? Purses love everyone. They don’t judge. They fit, in a variety of sizes and colors.
So to conclude our shopping trip I purchased the following: LEGGINGS! Every girls TRUE best friend, almost tied with your dog. And ice cream coming at a very close runner up.
Quote: If it requires pants or a bra it’s not happening today!