I met this gentleman on okcupid.com. His original reason for contacting me was because he was looking for a particular type of lifestyle. The lifestyle being kinkster. Let me give you the urban dictionary definition: one who enjoys and participates regularly in “kinky” sexual activities.
Y’all know I’m a bunny who’s always up for trying a new carrot, so to speak.
Description: 5’10, former army ranger, built but not bulky, wore polo shirt with a popped collar and khakis with matching brown belt and shoes (yes, I know not my norm), his speech patterns reminded me of the men who use the word, bro or brah frequently.
First date was a massive FAIL. He dominated the entire conversation. He talked about himself constantly, never asking about me at all. I was so over him by the end of the date. I honestly didn’t want to see or talk to him again. I wanted to hop along and find another carrot. Because this one thought he was the best carrot in the bunch. Oh, but to be fair he did have good manners. He opened doors, pulled out my chair, walked on the side of the road where vehicles were, someone taught him a few basics.
Against my better judgement I decided to give him another try. We went out on a second date. He took me on an apologetic lunch date. He apologized profusely. Acknowledging that he was rude and dominated the first date. He was a charmer during lunch. So I thought maybe second chances do happen for a reason.
We walked in the park after lunch. Then strolled by the fountain where we shared a romantic kiss (pause for sappy romcom music). We made plans to have dinner later on in the week.
Third date went well. He drove us back to his place. I had packed a bag. I’m a prepared bunny. So, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. He attacked me as soon as we stepped into his place. We made out against the door. He started ripping off his clothing and mine. When he rid himself of his pants, I noticed there weren’t any undergarments underneath. He then informed me that he didn’t believe in boxers, briefs, etc. he preferred to be free…
It was probably a good decision, his freeing take on undergarments. Because while staring at his package I realized he was VERY well endowed. I don’t know if he could comfortably fit in boxers or briefs.
We have made it to the bedroom. He’s been doing an excellent job of showing me that it is true, women can achieve multiple orgasms. As he’s getting ready for his turn, he looks down at me and says,“Come for me rabbit!” I’m perplexed. WHO THE FUCK IS RABBIT? Who is he talking to? I’m certainly not about to stop him because he’s doing delicious things to my body.
Inner monologue rant: He had asked about nicknames prior to our sexual escapade. I didn’t think anything of it. Because generally it takes a while to come up with a nickname. It’s difficult to come up with a name for someone you don’t know well. But apparently he took it upon himself to make me rabbit. WHAT THE FUCK! Is he just lazy? He can’t remember my fluffy bunny name? There are many generic nicknames, or go to nicknames such as: sweetie, babe, sweetheart, hun, honey, baby. Y’all get the point. How did he skip all those and go right to a non approved nickname? If he called me rabbit in front of his friends in public I would not respond. Then his rabbit loving dumbass would be in serious trouble.
I leave the nickname alone.
Three months have gone by. We are in a steady fuck buddies relationship. We meet, eat, drink, fuck, and then go back to our lives. He sends me flowers, teddy bears, cute little gifts. This is sweet, but NOT something I really want from someone I’m using for the sole purpose of scratching the itch. I told him this at the beginning, he knew. But I still got the feeling he wanted more.
One night during one of our sexcapades, there was an incident or incidents. I’m over for my weekly itch scratching. It’s been a stressful week. He made me dinner, rubbed my feet, and massaged my back. I’m feeling very loose. We finally get to the deed. He begins to demand my attention. But he’s demanding my attention with that’s right y’all guessed it the name, rabbit. UGH!!!!! He got really serious and said to look into his eyes. So I looked, I want him to do all the delicious activities that I know he’s capable of.
He stares at me than says, “I love you”.
Inner monologue moment: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Did he just say the L word? SHIT, I’m screwed! And NOT the type of screwed I was hoping for this evening.
I proceed to roll over and turn my back to him. This is when he decided to use one of the generic nicknames. He replies with, “Sweetie, are you okay?” NOW is when his decided to say that of course. I told him I needed a moment.
I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom. Women everywhere know what I proceeded to do. I texted my bestie. The text message was as follows: “CODE BLUE, RED, GREEN, YELLOW, PURPLE , AND ALL THE OTHER FUCKING COLORS IN THE SPECTRUM! What is the worst thing a guy could say during sex?”
Sidenote: I know that some people would like to hear that statement during sex, but generally the feeling is mutual. But obviously in this situation it is NOT!
My faithful bestie responded with, the L word. No shit my beloved readers. She really responded just like that. I feel that it is my part to impart four important HELL NO NOS during sex to my male readers. Just remember I give you these four tips to help you with your game (don’t hate the player, hate the game) or love life.
Four No Nos During Sex
1) Unapproved or negative nickname
2) The condom broke. (Yep, that one is a MAJOR mood killer.)
3) Unapproved sexual positions (Women just don’t go with it. We like to be asked or at least fore warned.)
4) The L word
I have no idea what this is..it’s not a thought, quote, statement, saying, or advise but I just felt like saying it:
I like to whisper really romantic shit after sex like… Hey, go home?