I’ve got some fresh meat for you all, my beloved readers. As always I go forth into the dating world for all of you. For myself too, of course…. Nah, mainly for all of you!
This gentleman reigns from my favorite website. You all know which one I’m talking about. Yep you guessed it, Match.com. I had cancelled my subscription for a while because in all honesty it was pissing me off. But I decided I needed to give match a chance to redeem itself. So, off into the dating abyss I went.
Description: 6’2, muscular build, short buzz cut, crystal blue eyes, former Navy Seal, currently works security, from Jacksonville. Okay, I know he’s not within zip code. But he was nice to talk to. He also volunteered to drive the two hours up to see me. I thought why not.
He volunteered to pick me up. I had my location share on with my friends. I felt safe enough to let him pick me up. This also meant I could drink. Yes, I know getting drunk on a first date is a BAD idea. I’m not saying that’s what I did. I’m just saying I know it’s not my best idea…
We started the evening at a popular martini bar. This lovely local establishment has over 300 martinis. I can get dessert in a glass there. I mean come on, need I say more. We then went to one of my favorite restaurants. It specializes in southern New Orleans cuisine. I got rabbit and steak. I know the shame I should feel for eating a bunny…
I was pretty tipsy by the time we got to the cigar bar. Between the martinis and red wine at dinner. I’d consumed a good bit of alcohol. Conversation had been going non stop. We had been having a lovely evening. I didn’t want the evening to end. But I didn’t want to invite him back to my place.
He checked us into a B & B downtown. Since he had thoughtfully gone ahead and reserved a room. I guess he hoped he was getting lucky since he drove two hours. I don’t remember much of the room. I was too occupied with trying to get his shirt off. Drunk Bunny was on a mission, and it didn’t involve admiring the room decor.
He kept wanting me to slow down, saying no let’s take our time, and turn out the lights. Turn off the lights?
Inner monologue moment: Is there something he is trying to hide? I want to see the goods! Is this going to be another teeny winky moment? (Please refer to Size does Matter) Oh please no! Please let it be a really BIG winky moment!
But instead, its a MONSTER! Like this could do damage monster. I know I said I wanted bigger… but there are limitations. I think I just found my limit. I LOVE my kitten too much. I’m not sure that’ll ever fit. Or that I’ll shrink back to my original Bunny form.
So now I’m posed with a situation I’ve never had before. How do I get out of a TOO BIG dick situation? I never thought I’d ever have this problem. I mean the saying is the BIGGER the better, right? Well no. Not in this case.
What the fuck do I do now?
Because I love each of you my beloved readers, I’m going to impart some necessary knowledge. This knowledge is pertinent to men and women. Ladies, if you need a quick out these work. Gentlemen, if she tell you one of these phrases she’s trying to give you the boot.
How to make a quick exit, stage left:
1) It’s shark week aka I have my period. (a new guy isn’t going to be up for all of that)
2) I think I forgot to take my birth control.
3) Family member or friend has an emergency
He starts to rub his hands up and down my arms. Then says, “He likes me too much for us to have sex on the first meet. But is still up for giving me a little love.”
Inner monologue moment: Did I just hear that correctly? He doesn’t want sex??? I’ve found another unicorn. (Please refer to 7 Minutes) I didn’t think that was possible but here he is. But I found a monster unicorn! WHAT THE FUCK! And he doesn’t want to fuck! I mean I was trying to get out of this. But hearing that he wanted to be all gentlemanly was bruising my drunken Bunny ego. I’m very emotional while tipsy.
It wasn’t a complete loss. The monster unicorn had a spell binding tongue. There were a lot of “ohs” and “yes” that evening. I left that room with a magical hop in the morning.
Warning: Guard your kitten it doesn’t shrink back!