Here’s a little background about the man in this story. So, that it’ll make a little more sense to my devoted readers.
I met him on Match.com. He was advanced in his years. This local individual owned a successful business. He’s slim, grey-ish blonde hair, blue eyes, and tall.
We were at a popular downtown Italian restaurant celebrating his birthday with family and friends. Let me stress the family part, it was the first meet and greet with Mom.
The evening is going well. Booze is flowing, food is being consumed at a speedy rate. His mother is seated to my left, next to him and my girlfriend is on my right. Dear old mom, is making constant age commentary.
“I didn’t know children were invited to the party.”
Yep, so as you can imagine the booze was a need, not a want that evening!
He leans over and says that he’s ready to inform me what he’d like for his birthday. He also says to ignore his mother. This is the way she shows affection… So much for lovey-dovey.
He proceeds to say that he wants my panties….. He has a wicked grin on his face while he’s whispering this information and Mom is staring at us during this information relay.
OH MY GOD! Awkward much, anyone?
Thank goodness she’s up there in age or else she might have actually been able to pick up on the whisper.
I start to get up to excuse myself to the restroom. To relieve myself of my panties like a lady would. After all we are in a fine dining establishment with too MANY windows. He proceeds to put his hand on my chair and stops me…
OH SHIT! Why is he stopping me you may ask?
He informs me that he meant he wanted my panties right here and NOW.
I think to myself, this is going to take a lot of creative maneuvering.
Also, remember Mommy dearest is still sitting at the table. She may be deaf, but she’s not blind people! Oh my, there’s just not enough wine for a panty dropping situation like this.
Firstly, to all the women out there reading this. Y’all know its difficult to meet Mom. Imagine meeting Mom and having to take off intimate garments of clothing!
Mama did not warn you about days like this!!! If she did you would have gone commando, problem solved. To make life even more complicated I’m wearing a surprise for his birthday. This is what I get for thinking ahead.
Here’s the garment description: black French lace boustier with pink rose bud garter with thong set. So, now the question that’s on everyone’s minds. How do you get that off at a table in the middle of a restaurant?
First, I have to unclasp the straps from the garter on my thigh highs. That’s easy, I handle that like a pro.
Second, more complicated. The boustier is long, so I have to reach up underneath my dress. I use a napkin on my lap to help camouflage the ongoing situation. The dress is gliding up my leg while the napkin is staying in place covering.
During the ascent up my legs, my charm bracelet gets stuck on the lace of my thigh highs. Yet again, OH SHIT! Danger, Danger Will Robinson!
Oh my, how will I get myself out of this pickle?
Thank goodness for friends. Any good girlfriend realizes the “oh shit” look and fortunately my friend did. While my girlfriend is carrying on conversation with a person across from her she takes her hand and guides it to the problem area. She thankfully fixes my issue.
Onward with the panty discernment.
Third, now how do I get the side strap of the thong down my hip? Not easily. I cross my arms at my waist. Using left hand I move the thong strap down towards my leg thru my dress. Then the right hand does the same maneuver with the other side. Now, to get it past my ass… Wiggling is necessary.
I glance up, one of the guests at the table is giving me a peculiar look. She asks if I’m alright. I tell her I was using the chair to scratch my back. Hence the wiggling. The guest replies with, use the man next to you. That’s what he’s for.
If she only knew…
Fourth, now I uncross my legs and lean to my right toward my girlfriend like I’m going to whisper to her. This enables me to lift up my side and hook the thong and pull down toward my knee. Almost home free!!!
Fifth, is a another problematic situation. I know they seem to come up frequently. What’s a girl to do I ask you? How does she get the other side down?
Reminder this is the side with Mom.
Yet again, thank goodness for girlfriends. I enroll my girlfriend into my grand plan again. Yes, friends make the best accomplices. They will STAY silent! So important in a friend. After all, only truly great friends help in panty fleeing situations.
I decided to make nice with Mom. Her jewelry is lovely, so I comment on it. This peaks Mom’s interest and she starts to talk about the jewelry instead of pre-school. I lean over him towards Mom causing the other side of my body to lift. My girlfriend proceeds to lean with me and joins in the jewelry conversation. My girlfriend’s body is now covering mine partially. This also gives my friend the opportunity to slip the other side of the thong down napkin still in place.
Yep people, like I said GOOD friends are great accomplices and difficult to come by. If you have your own panty fleeing friend don’t let him or her go! You never know when you might need them.
So, there’s a little draft downstairs…
Y’all know what I mean. The panties are now at my knees. He’s smirking, (son of a bitch) its time for the finale. How does one get a thong down my legs and into his pocket?
I reach across the table to grab a bottle of wine, which causes my water glass in front of me to spill. This causes me to have to get up promptly. The napkin and panties have now fallen to the floor.
Score! Touchdown! Home run! Y’all get the point.
I proceeds to ball the panties up into my hand. Mom is still yammering on. I then use this opportunity when Mom is unaware. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek all while dropping the panties into his lap.
Happy Birthday bastard.
The asshole now decides that he wants to show off his birthday gift. He takes them and puts them in the pocket of his suit. Half in, half out, with a HUGE grin. Oh, and by the way the pocket is on Mom’s side. SHIT.
Instead of a moral for this post, I’ve decided to give an important Tip: find your own panty fleeing friend