My beloved readers, spring has sprung!
Tax season……. Sleep? What is sleep? Can anyone tell me? I can’t seem to remember. All my life has been pushed aside due to FUCKING TAX SEASON. Hair, nails, kitten, shoes nothing mattered.
Just taxes, fucking taxes.
The season has now ended. Freedom!!!!! I have arranged a spa weekend for myself. I’ve gotta get back into shape. Out with the old in with the new. Spring cleaning myself! The works, hence the weekend.
I picked up my elixir of life. I have to ween myself off of it a bit. During the season I basically had an IV of the elixir everyday. I got myself a grande instead of venti. I’m trying, baby steps. I enter nirvana, AKA the spa.
Note to All My Readers: Every woman loves the spa, she’s lying if she says she doesn’t. A good mani, facial, pedi etc makes everyone happier.
My girlfriend met me at nirvana. And our relaxing day began with being greeted with mimosas at the door. I wish everyday could start like this. I decide kitten upkeep should be first. That way the rest of the day would be a breeze. The kitten was not a horrific experience things are looking up. Then we had our mani/pedi, massage, sugar body scrub, rain shower, and facial. We left the spa with cucumber water in hand.
Day one of bliss complete.
Day two, is all about getting ready for an evening out with the girls. We’ve got hair & makeup at the spa today. I’m looking forward to it.
To my male readers: You don’t know how lucky you are. Twenty dollars, ten minutes your hair is done.
Us on the other hand….
Eight hours later, we’ve been washed 3x, foiled, moisturized, & dried. Now I’m very anal about my hair. I like to see the process as it’s going on.
Red Flag: My hair stylist says “I don’t want you to look at it til it’s done, I want you to see the dimension when it’s curled.”
Inner Monologue Moment: That sounds to me like she fucked up my hair. And doesn’t want me to see it until she can camouflage her fuck up.
Before the curling happens I can’t help myself, I glance in the mirror to take a peek. I’m speechless. But unfortunately not in the way I wish. I’m hyperventilating. On the verge of crying hysterically in public. I text my girlfriend. I tell her I’m in the bathroom and I need her.
She comes running to the bathroom. The look on her face. It says it all. Her face made me cry harder. She tries to ease my pain and comfort me. The only way to ease this would be to grab a large floppy hat for me to put on and pray I don’t see anyone I know.
My beloved readers, you’re probably wondering what I saw in the mirror. A splotchy mixture of NEON orange yellow and white. I was meant to be blonde. BLONDE!!!! I was already half way there. It wasn’t going to take much effort to get the rest of the way there. It looked like a high school prank gone really bad.
I’m in a professional high end salon! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I’m paying hundreds of dollars for fucked up hair!?! My relaxing spa weekend has now officially ended. My stylist is trying to convince me that I’ll get used to it. It’s only a shock because I’m not used to a lighter color.
Are you fucking kidding me? How am I supposed to get used to neon? NEON!!!! I work in a professional environment. I can’t have rave hair at work. I’m not going to a fucking rave!
My girlfriend is in calm down mode. She’s telling me to take deep breaths. As she’s telling me this, all I’m thinking is DON’T TELL ME TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN! My hair is three different shades of neon. I can not calm down.
This is when it dawns on me, dinner tonight. It’s taken two months to organize this dinner. I’m not canceling. But that would mean going out in public with this hair…
My girlfriend pulls out a flask of whiskey. She says take a swig of this it’ll help the nerves. Thank goodness for the travel flask.
I can’t deal with my stylist anymore. I just need to leave. The only thing I can do at this point is to pretend I wanted it to be like this. It’ll be dark soon, so it’ll be less noticeable.
Onward to makeup with our fave artist. I’m greeted with, “Honey, did she not tone this?” He said go swing by Sally’s and grab some boxed toner and purple shampoo to help.
Makeup is fabulous. We head out.
We’re at dinner. The girls say alcohol can only help this situation. Three bottles of sake later…
Side Note: Did you know certain bottles of sake can range from 10-18% alcohol? That’s more than one bottle of wine. Now imagine consuming three.
Due to the alcohol in our systems we’ve YouTube at dinner. We’ve jointly decided we can fix my hair. We Uber to Wally World. We then pickup some supplies, snacks and head back to my place.
Two hours later, I’ve got women scattered everywhere in my place. My hair is no longer neon. But no longer the color that I was hoping for. But there’s improvement. I paid hundreds for neon. When $22 at Wally World got me lavender roots and silver gray ends.
This is an improvement.
Saying: Fairy hair, and I don’t care.