I Need A Stiff One

I had a great Saturday. I spent the whole day out and about with friends. Mini spa day and treated myself in between. A little day drinking happened too, no judgements!

Day drinking happens, lol.

It’s later on, time for a bar or two with my peeps. I’m sitting at the bar with my girls. One of our favorite local bands is playing. This was a complete surprise to us! Yep, it’s going to be a good night. I order another drink and pad Thai with tofu at the bar. Yes, our favorite hole in the wall bar has delicious Thai food.

It’s a local secret. Shhh, don’t tell!

A gentleman walks up next to me at the bar. He asks the bartender for the following, a triple Basil Hayden’s on the rocks. I automatically recognize the pricey brand and think to myself, maybe he doesn’t realize that this is a hole in the wall establishment. It’s well liquor in this joint. The bartender informs him of his options, he chooses.

He’s looking very intently at his drink. I asked him what’s wrong? He looked so sad/confused I couldn’t help myself. He said this doesn’t look like a triple to me. I replied with, well you look like a tourist and not a local. Locals get good pours here, tourists not so much. He looked at me like I was joking.

Well my beloved readers, you know I had to prove him wrong and make my point. It was a matter of principle! For all of the locals!

For his next drink, I ordered for him. I asked for the same drink, the triple whiskey. But I asked for what they keep under the bar. And since the bartenders know me, it was basically all booze with just two ice cubes. The price for me was $5. He paid $15 for his…

The girls have disappeared. They told me they were heading out. So it’s just me and tourist.

His description: 6’2, ghost white complexion, blonde, green eyes, looks young, casually dressed and a great watch. We close out and head to the bar next door. Because the band is too loud for me to be able to hear Tourist.

I found a nook by the bar for us to sit in. We are now doing the twenty first date questions. Most are all family oriented. I find this a little strange. Family/intimate questions are generally for dates. Not for people you pick up at a bar at 2 am. He’s obviously intelligent. He’s tossing around huge words. I have no idea what they mean. But I’m going with it, lol. Then he starts to tell me all about his family. How he’s the black sheep. Daddy wanted him to go into the family business, which is tech oriented. He has just enrolled in the police academy.

Last call happens, he’s trying to figure out how to order an uber. He’s having difficulties… for someone who’s family is techie it shouldn’t be that hard. I decide to help the tourist out. I ask him where he lives. He tells me, it’s not too far. So I decide to help out our local economy, be friendly to the tourist. I put his address in my gps once we get into the car.

Inner Monologue Moment: Fuck! It’s way out of my way. But I said I would take him home. I can’t back out now. This is the last time I offer to help the local economy.

It’s around four o’clock in the morning by the time we get to his place. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I inform Tourist I’m using his, then I’ll head out. He gives me a quick tour. It’s impeccably clean. It almost look staged. There are no personal touches, photos, anything out of place. This is all a little strange for a single man. Something seems awry here…

I of course snoop while in the bathroom. It’s clean yet again. I take a sweep of the bedroom. Yet again nothing. I step out into the living room and I’m attacked.

He’s pushed me up against the wall and is going full force make out session. It’s night and day. I didn’t get those vibes. But fuck it, I’m going with it. He’s doing a DAMN good job. I mean come on. What girl doesn’t like to be pushed up against a wall? The answer is EVERY girl likes to be pushed up against the wall. There’s a little nugget of women knowledge for my beloved male readers. Say yes to a good forceful push and kissing non stop into a wall.

Bonus points if you pick her up!

Guess what Tourist did? He picked me up and took me over to the sofa. The hot and heavy kissing continues. My shirt and bra had gone missing. I don’t even know at what point I lost them. Tourist was doing a very good job.

He keeps on re arranging me and asks if I like it, am I okay.

Inner Monologue Moment: Ugh… Am I okay? If I wasn’t okay I would have told you. Don’t stop now! Keep going!

He goes in for my pants. I told him whoa wait a minute. We are moving a little fast. He then proceeds to pick me up over his shoulder, cave man style. We, well he walks to the bedroom and tosses me on the bed.

Inner Monologue Moment: YES! FUCK YES! Give it to me Tourist cave man! I need to drive more tourists home if this is what I’ve been missing.

He rips my pants off. I’m surprised he didn’t rip the seams. I’m laying naked on the bed. This is when I point out he’s still fully clothed. He divests himself of his clothing. Kissing resumes. I decide I need to ask the basic question…

I stop him and ask, “Are you clean?” I know where this is going. So it’s important to get the basics taken care of.

He looks befuddled. After about five seconds he still looks very confused. It shouldn’t be that difficult of a question for Mr. Big Words. He gets that light bulb look on his face and then he says, “Yes, I showered this morning.”

Inner Monologue Moment: OH FUCK! He’s serious! I knew he was too good to be true. Showered? Really? Showered?!?!?!?!?!

I have no words…………………………… for many seconds………………… a couple more seconds………. then I get back to it.

I decide to check his status. Because the hot mood is now gone. I reach down. It’s been at least ten minutes. I’m expecting to be impressed.

But I’m not greeted with happy. It’s soft. I mean seriously limp and soft.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I decide to give him a little help. But nothing seems to be helping. I mean even drunk dick has a little stiffness in him. But Tourist has got nothing. It’s just dangling around. It’s a little sad quite honestly.

It takes a while, but I finally get him to a semi decent point. I’ve probably put to much work into this. But I’m here, so I might as well give it a go.

Just before he puts it in he says, “I can’t wait to put it in you.” Ummm, that’s a new one for me. Generally it’s oh yes, or a nickname, grunting, etc. Maybe growing up with six sisters has made him a little timid. Because he’s been making commentary about them. Such as, my sisters told me this is what girls like. Oh goodness.

He’s in, FINALLY! Our rhythms are not synced. Then he’s out again, too quickly. I’m perturbed at this point. I’m ready. The kitten is purring. Let’s fucking go!

I check him… What the fuck? He’s soft again. UUGGHHH…….

He informs me, he knows how to fix it. His sisters told him what to do. He says he’s going to spend some quality time on my downstairs. I try to stop him. He says he knows the play by play. I decide to go with it. Because it better be mind blowing. It better not be like the limp dick I’ve been subjected to.

It was amazing! Mind blowing! I couldn’t catch my breath. My mind was trying to cope with what I was feeling….

Yea, well that’s what I was hoping for. My beloved readers, that bliss DID NOT happen.

FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK MY LIFE!

Instead I have whisker burn in my kitten. I didn’t even know that was possible. I can feel the scratching. I don’t know what type of porn he’s watching. But he needs to cease, immediately! All happy wet feelings downstairs have dissipated. I don’t even know what to say at this point. Other then I want to leave.

He comes up and wants to kiss me. Then it gets me back in the mood. I give him one last go. I push him on his back. By the way he’s still limp. Nothing has stiffened up the tourist.

I get him semi hard with my hand. I’m just using him for his body at this point. I take care of business for myself. I asked him for some lube. He seems lost. Ugh again.

I lean back and ask, “When’s the last time you got laid?” If it’s been a while I understand that could be what’s going on.

Serious pause and look again, deer in headlights. He says, “You.”

I don’t think he’s understood the question. So I repeat it. He says nothing.

Inner Monologue Moment: oh shit, wait a minute

I then tell him, but you said you had girlfriends. He said I’ve had two friends that were girls.

Inner Monologue Moment: Holy fucking shit. I don’t know what to say. I’m not up for training.

He looks at me and then says, “I have to pee.” Oh good grief. I tell him to go.

Inner Monologue Moment: Well, I got my question answered. He’s clean. Because he’s never stuck it in anyone before! Fucking hell!!

While he’s in the bathroom, I hop off the bed. I’m grabbing my stuff fast and furious style. I grab what I can see. I don’t care if I’ve left anything behind.

As I’m heading toward the door. He emerges from the bathroom. He looks like a sad puppy. He’s trying to keep me. He’s kissing, making promises. I just can’t. I tell him, I’ve gotta go. My dog has to be let out. He starts panicking. Tourist says please stay, I’ll make you breakfast tomorrow morning. What kind of coffee do you like? I’ve got an espresso machine. He’s blocking the door.

I’m over this shit. I have to use my serious voice. He stops. He looks like a little kid who just got caught stealing candy from the candy store. He offers to take me to dinner. I told him he has my number. I just want to get out of the house. Anything to get me out faster.

He trails behind me, naked. I’m at my car. He’s in the driveway staring at me. I’m in my car. I’ve stopped at a stop sign. I look back he’s still staring. Buck naked.

Saying: I’m trying to give up sexual innuendo. But it’s hard, so HARD.

© southerngabunny