Handcuff Me

Yes, I’m alive!

Hello my beloved readers, I’ve missed all of you. I apologize for my three month delay. But between the holidays, being broke from the holidays, snow days, catching up at work from the holidays and snow days, and life in general I’ve been a busy Bunny. But here’s the good news, I still had time for a shenanigan or two.

After the New Year I had my girls over for a movie and wine night. Everyone is broke so movie and wine at home is cheap and comfy. We can all wear pajamas, not have to worry about drinking and driving, and eat whatever we like too! Even though we are all trying to lose weight after the holidays. We said fuck it! We had candy, popcorn, ice cream, pizza (gluten free of course), and several bottles of wine.

I lost the vote on the movie we watched. So the scary movie won. I grabbed my blankie and glass of wine. Teddy curled up next to me. One of my girls brought her furry baby too. We all got cozy in our pj’s and the movie began.

We are half way thru the movie, you know at the point where the dramatic music ceases. Because something bad is about to happen. My house is creaking, it’s an old house. Which is making the movie even scarier. We are focused on the movie, but we hear movement upstairs. We all look at each other and up. The same thought is on each of our minds. Did you hear that? Is it a figment of my imagination? This stupid movie is playing tricks on all of our minds. Or maybe it’s the multiple bottles of wine we’ve drank…

We pause the movie because we hear movement again. There wasn’t any noise, so we continue. Then we hear a loud crash. The dogs are now barking. We are all officially freaked the fuck out. One of the girls grabs her stiletto and a bottle of wine goes to the bottom of the stairs and yells out, “Anyone up there?”

Then we heard more movement. I said fuck this, I’m calling the police. I call 911. The operator tells us all to go into the back room, lock the doors, and wait for the police to arrive.

There’s a large window in the library room we are locked in. This window overlooks the backyard. We are huddled together trying to keep the dogs calm. The girls have all pulled out their phones, typing to their loved ones, saying :I love you, you won’t believe this shit, we’re being robbed, etc. Then one of my girls sees movement in the bushes…

Suddenly men in black (no not like the Will Smith movie) are jumping over my fucking bushes! They are crawling on the ground, using hand signals, they’ve got guns and have masks on their faces. Holy fuck! It’s like something out of an action movie. The only thing they were missing were smoke grenades and a drug dog!

I’m thinking oh shit, is SWAT outside of my place? Damn, I’m kinda happy to see my tax dollars at work. One man in black signals us thru the window to come out of the back door. Okay… so the girls and I weren’t dressed for company.

So I’m going to break down the ensembles for y’all: no bras are to be found on anyone’s body, one in a satin lace nightgown, booty shorts and tank, a extra large t-shirt that says bite me no bottoms, a long polka flannel shirt with no bottoms, a grey short robe with plaid shorts, and one pair of matching tank and flannel bottoms with hearts on it.

I’m sure the police must have all been laughing on the inside. As we are all running out the back door with bottles of wine, dogs, and candy. Yes we cleared the table off before we evaded the criminal or criminals upstairs. No judgements!

Alcohol and wine are comforting in this stressful situation.

Inner Monologue Moment: As I’m happy we are out of the house, all I’m thinking is my closet is upstairs. My shoes and bags! My watch collection is on fucking display. Oh fuck my life. It took years to accumulate all of my clothes. This fucking sucks. If the criminal or criminals up there fucked with my closet the cops are going to have to hold me back. Because I will fuck them up if they touched my Louis Vuitton.

The cops go upstairs and do their thing. Maybe about five minutes later, a officer pops his head out. He says, that the intruder claims she knows you. I inform him that I live alone. The only she that inhabits this house is me and of course Teddy, but he’s my furry baby. I leave the girls downstairs huddled together with wine in the back yard. One is drinking wine straight out of the bottle. Yep, those are my peoples!

I get upstairs, there are police officers lining the hallway. I enter the room and see the perpetrator. She’s 5 foot nothing, no shoes, mascara running down her face, one sleeve is stuck on her arm, and she’s got handcuffs on. But wait for it… They aren’t handcuffs from the gentlemen who are lining my hallway protecting and serving me. She has one furry handcuff on a hand the other cuff has a beer can in it.

She looks at me and screams, “Hey!!! When did you get back?”

So, the tiny wisp who is the intruder is my house sitter. She’s so fucking drunk she still thinks it’s the previous week. When she was house/Teddy sitting for me while I was in Boston. The police officers haven’t even seemed to register to her. I don’t know maybe she thought they had more furry handcuffs and beer for her.

This is when I inform the officers of who she is and that I don’t want to press charges. Because she has a key and isn’t a threat to my safety or the girls. I apologize to them for the inconvenience and thank them for their prompt response to my call. They leave in their large black vehicle.

I go downstairs tell the girls what has happened. My one girlfriend who has been drinking the wine straight out of the bottle says, “Well fuck, she probably needs a swig of wine more then I do.”

Saying: Fifty shades of where the fuck are the keys?

©southerngabunny