So the holidays… it can be a not so happy time. For those of us who have lost loved ones, the holidays can be difficult. Mom loved the holiday season. It’s up to me now to keep the traditions that she shared with us alive. It’s bittersweet for me.
The holidays also means one person can not join in on the crazy that the holidays can bring. Someone has to referee at the thanksgiving table. Make sure dad only has one glass of wine. Two glasses…. I’ll spare all of you my beloved readers that crazy. But at least you all know where my love of wine comes from. I got it honestly.
We’ve survived turkey day. No one went to the hospital, jail, kidnapped, or mental institution. I call that a happy holiday. I still refuse to call my brother’s girlfriend, “fiancé”. It’ll be a cold day in hell before that word comes out of my mouth. Grandma actually showed this year. No constant whining of non existent headaches, the wine has put her in her happy place. AKA it’s knocked her whiny ass out, pure bliss. You know I was the one who refilled her glass. My family thanked me.
The day after turkey day. Yes you all know it. The dreaded Black Friday. Anyone in the retail world hates this day. Been there done that. NEVER AGAIN!
Tips for going Black Friday shopping:
1. Leave slow cousins at home (If they take 20 minutes to try on a blouse they need to be left at home!)
2. Coffee is a need not a want (Mobile order at the place where the elixir of life lives will be your new bestfriend, your real bestie will understand being replaced for a day)
3. Avoid slow people they will only hold you up (Is it just me or do you wish you could beep people while walking? Bitch move out of my way! I need that small cashmere sweater. Only two left! I will move you if you don’t move.)
Mom would make faux handicap stickers. So we could get first class parking! Yes please. Then once we walked our short distance into our store of choice she’d grab the motorized wheelchair with basket. Awesome idea, right?
Well if your Mom is racing with a senior citizen in her motorized wheelchair… you become the Mom. And let me tell you it’s hard to catch up with those stupid wheelchairs when they are at full speed. Everyone clears the way for them. But as I’m trying to catch up the sea of people wouldn’t part for me. Ugh! Damn it! All I was thinking was please don’t get put in mall jail by security. If so we’ll be banned. And what about my shoe addiction? I’d go thru withdrawal!
We were in a department store going thru the clearance area. Mom is at the edge. I catch up, but I’m still a bit away. I see both wheelchairs. I think yes, they’ve stopped. Then just when I think shoes are in my near future I hear, “One, two, three, GO!!!”
Inner Monologue Moment: Oh fucking hell! There go my shoes. And I’m going to have to pretend to be her lawyer when security sees this shit. What does habeus corpus mean again?
As I’m watching my mother race thru the aisles it’s like slow motion. I see clothes flying, people moving out of the way, a small child is cheering them on yelling, go, go, go! I want to find the closest bathroom and lock myself in the stall. Standing on the toilet so in case security comes by they won’t find me. I’m super stealthy like that. Stealth Bunny mode. Thank goodness I look good in black.
She drove over a coat hangar. This caused her to stall. I crawled over shit to get to her. I finally get to her. Instead of her admitting defeat, she’s still pushing on the pedal, screaming “Fuck! Go faster! Start you fucking basket mobile!”
Security saunters over. They don’t look happy. I think the fucking basket mobile screamed at the top of her lungs did the trick. Whoops. The gentlemen asked her to vacate her cart and asked if she needed help. Because she’s in a handicapped wheelchair. So they assumed she’d need assistance… umm, this could be more of a problem.
Mom looks them in the eye, “How old do you think I am? Do I look like I need help to you? When I needed help you weren’t here. Typical men. I needed you to make my basket mobile go! But no look at it. I fucking lost! No thanks to you. Fuck this.”
And ladies and gentlemen it’s not even 7 am yet. Oh I’m going to need multiple mobile orders today. And the little flask in my purse is going to keep me going. Do wine and coffee mix well?
As we are leaving the store, the alarm goes off. I look at Mom. She says it not me. Security comes over, there’s a coat hanger hanging from my purse. Of course it still had the fucking sensor on it.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Mom tells me we have one more stop, it’s her favorite place. She says I’m going to thank her, no lines, first come first serve, and we might even get a little exercise in too. I have no idea what’s she’s talking about. But fuck it why not? She pulls around the back of a department store, next to a dumpster…
Mom looks at me and says your the lookout. Lookout? Are we robbing the back of the store or something? She climbs up and into the dumpster. She’s tossing shit out of the dumpster. Stuff she says she can fix, clothes they tossed that didn’t sell, chocolates etc. We went home with twelve boxes of expired chocolate. She claimed they were still okay to eat.
So to sum it up, how to have fun Black Friday shopping:
1. Illegally park in a handicapped parking spot (so that way a person who is actually in a wheelchair has to roll all the way from the back of the lot, it’s good exercise, they should thank you).
2. Hop into a motorized wheelchair, have a mini race where you almost run over pedestrians (you get extra points for those right?)
3. Piss off security whenever you possibly can, and wrap it all up with a rousing romp in a dumpster (loving referred to as dumpsters R Us).
I promise your Black Friday experience will be memorable. Your welcome, these tips I give only to you my beloved readers. All those other chumps following the rules, waiting in lines, parking and walking, being nice to security… Why would you want to be like everyone else? Those posers.
Black Friday Humor: So I can get up early to stand in line on Black Friday, but I can’t get up early to go to the gym? #priorities