Doesn’t everyone just love the little flower girl skipping down the aisle with rose petals? Or that cute ring bearer with a pastel pillow? Yes, yes we all love weddings. All that hope is intoxicating. Many a man and woman have picked up a bridesmaid or groomsman for a little hanky panky in a coat closet or hotel somewhere.
Spring wedding season just wrapped up too!
Don’t worry my beloved readers, it’s still Bunny here! Don’t let the love fluff of the opening paragraph concern you. I just need to set the scene or mood for the juicy wedding gossip I’m about to hit you with. Yes, that’s right. Gossip!
Pause for gasps… Don’t even be like that, you know you love some gossip. I’m Bunny enough to admit. You should be too!
A little birdie told me some wedding gossip. Thank goodness for little birdies! I especially love little wedding birdies. But this little wedding birdie gave me gossip from the recent wedding date from hell that I barely escaped. (Please refer to It’s about to get REAL! Part 1 & 2)
Karma is a BITCH my beloved readers!
Let’s all go back to the opening paragraph. Remember the wedded bliss. If you’ve forgotten scroll to the top. I want you to be in a happy mindset as I paint the rest of this picture.
It’s a lovely evening. The sun had just set. The serene outdoors on a sprawling green lawn in the forest. The sunlight is peeking thru the trees in shades of yellow and orange. It’s highlighting the beautiful arch made of branches and vines that had been twisted together with love. There are candles in hurricane lanterns in different sizes behind and surrounding the arch. The seats were tree stumps with pieces of plywood. White flowers are in large mason jars at the end of each seat lining the aisle. The aisle itself is adorned with white rose petals. The music is a string quartet. They are playing ethereal music. It’s like a freaking white magical fairy forest wedding in Northern Georgia. Who knew fairies lived in Georgia? Okay, well maybe they don’t but the wedding planner must be half fae or something. Like Sookie in True Blood on HBO.
Guests are beginning to arrive. The groomsmen are cutting up getting ready for their walk. The bride’s father is pacing constantly back and forth. Pacing is normal for a father. He’s about to give away his daughter. A moment he’s been dreading/happy for her entire life thus far. But unfortunately not.
Flashback to wedding rehearsal the evening before. It’s at the family cabin. It’s cute, shabby chic and decorated for the wedding. There are cameras placed all over the cabin. It’s part of the security system. The end of the evening comes around. Everyone has left. Father of the bride decides to watch some of the footage. Aunt Jen got drunk, was dancing… It was a sight to behold. He wanted to relive the laughter. As he’s watching thirty minutes of Aunt Jen trying to get crunk on the dance floor, and failing miserably he notices his soon to be son in law.
He is sneaking up the back steps. By the way, the upstairs were off limits during the party. So, suspicion arises in Dad. But then he thinks well I’m sure he’s sneaking upstairs to meet my daughter. They’ll have a little private moment before tomorrow. After all, it’s their last night before they are man and wife for life. Then Dad remembers checking the video from the porch. His lovely daughter was on it during the time his soon to be son in law was sneaking up the stairs. OH SHIT! Who could it be? Here’s to hoping he went upstairs to make a phone call where it was quiet perhaps? Or maybe he needed to lay down for a sec to get his second wind? He had been drinking and going all day long.
What could it be….
Okay, back to the fairy wedding. The bride and groom have gone MIA. The wedding should have started an hour ago. That’s way more then fashionably late. Everyone tries their cells. Nope, nothing. Either a wedding day serial killer has picked them up or their cell phones have both lost reception. Where are the fairies when you need them?
Dad feels his iPhone vibrating in his pocket. He thinks YES! Maybe it’s my baby girl calling me. Lo and behold, it’s a FaceTime call from his daughter. She’s on the screen and safe. Huge sigh of relief from Dad. “Hey, wait a minute. Why the hell are you Facetiming me? Why aren’t you next to me? I’m supposed to be walking your ass down the aisle. Well actually your ass should have gone down the aisle and back by this point. We should be sipping alcohol at the expensive reception I paid for.”
Bride then informs her father that she and her husband. Yes, that’s right HUSBAND! Because they are already HITCHED!!! As of a few weeks ago. They just decided not to tell anybody. The fairies are furious now! That forest didn’t get beautiful by itself you know! The bride informs her father that the stress of it all was just too much for them. They decided to head for their honeymoon.
Take a moment to imagine how Dad must feel. You LOVE your daughter. You gave your daughter EVERYTHING she wanted for her wedding. Including the signature drink menu made by the mixologist from the restaurant that she loves. You didn’t know what the hell a mixologist was. But you just said, “Yes sweetie.” And signed the credit card receipt.
She’s telling you the $50,000 you spent for the fairy wedding of her dreams wasn’t necessary. Where’s tinker bell to wave her magic wand to give you a refund for 50k? On behalf of Dad I’m going to say it for him. WHAT THE FUCK? And are you shitting me?!?
After dad has taken a moment to calm down. He realizes he has important information to tell his daughter. About her now husband. While watching the video of the previous evening, he came upon a problem. The problem being her now husband shacking up with the bride’s stepmother during their rehearsal party. In his FUCKING house.
Now let’s go back to the inconsiderate and selfish bride on the other side of this FaceTime call. She hears what her father has just told her. She’s quiet for a moment. Looks next to her, I’m assuming that where her cheating husband was. Looks back into the phone at her father and says, “Family is family.”
I have no fucking idea what that means. Does family is family means that she gets to go cheat on her husband on their honeymoon? Does it mean she’s probably going to stifle him with a pillow while they are sleeping on the tropical vacation? Or are the fairies going to get revenge by making him break a leg when getting onto the plane? I still have no fucking idea. Feel free to give your opinions my beloved readers.
So to wrap it all up for you. Don’t FUCK the family.