Stay the Fuck Out of My Bubble

I recently planned a holiday party. When I think holiday party I think, small house gathering or work event. But of course, that’s NOT what this party ended up being. 

It went from twenty people to one hundred and fifty. From pot luck, to full on catering, bartender, DJ and goodie bags for the party and then the after party. Yes, that’s right the AFTER PARTY! So really I was responsible for TWO parties in one night. Did I mention I only had four weeks to plan this?

Yep. That’s how this Bunny had to be hopping.

I’ll save all the details of the party for another post.  But let me tell you my beloved readers I’m going to pat myself on the back. Because that party was the SHIT! It was some of my best work yet. The party and after party got rave reviews. I woke up in the morning to people sleeping it off throughout the house and in the garage. Two of the vendors I hired were sleeping it off too. 

I’m just saying… 

I was surveying the damage the next morning. So thankful that I was responsible for the party and NOT party cleanup. It looked like a fraternity and Santa Claus had joined forces for the evening and drank way too much eggnog. I was going to need the elixir of life. It was MUCH needed this morning. As I’m grabbing my k cup a head pops up from the sofa.

I’m surprised. I didn’t realize anyone was on the sofa. I was wearing a men’s t shirt and nothing else. The elixir has to take a back seat as I deal with the random man on the sofa. He says good morning and gets up. He SUPER helpful and bouncy. 

Who’s bouncy after that much drinking? People are almost comatose in the garage. How is he functioning so well? I need the elixir more than ever to deal with this happy go lucky shirtless party guest.

He comes into the kitchen. I offer him coffee. He says he doesn’t want coffee but he would take a hug. Before I can deny the request, he swoops in and engulfs me. I’m engulfed in a shirtless strange party guests arms with only a tshirt on. There’s no party planners guidelines for this moment. He’s holding on for way too long. It’s really awkward now. He gives me a squeeze, leans down and says, “This feels really good.” He releases me and then says, “And perky too.” 

Inner monologue moment: STRANGER DANGER!! I repeat STRANGER DANGER!! This was the guy on the posters that I saw as a child. He just didn’t have on this black coat and hat. How am I supposed to deal with this bullshit? I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Can’t a bunny get a break? I just planned the party of the year. Don’t I get to enjoy my coffee without being fondled? 

Apparently not.

A couple of hours later once stranger danger has left the premises. Sadly by himself, the authorities did not take him away. Be on the look out for him! You never know when stranger danger will strike with awkward hugs!!!! 

I realized he looked incredibly familiar to me. But I couldn’t quite place him. I was racking my brain.

Then it HIT me. My city is TOO fucking small sometimes. FUCKING HELL!! I’ve slept with him. I ask the host how he knew stranger danger. He replied, “I met him at the gym.” Men meet everyone at the gym. They would lift weights next to a criminal and probably make idle chit chat like it was nothing.

This post is a throwback Thursday, to how I originally met stranger danger and so the story begins…

I was out celebrating my girls birthday. Her other friends had bailed on her. So I was trying to perk her up and simultaneously help her forget her shitty friends. I thought what’s fun and makes your mind fizzy. Well that’s an easy answer. SHOTS!! 

Twelve of them to be precise. We took six shots a piece, then had martinis after. It was quite an evening. My bartender cut me off. Apparently I was getting a little rowdy. A couple of shots and martini chasers will have that effect on a bunny.

We decided head to a new bar. 

It was pouring rain outside. I was wearing a silk scarf dress. What happens when silk and water meet? I of course got drenched and my dress became transparent. FUCK! But in my current tipsy state I went with it. We happily splashed into the next bar. Instantly met two gentlemen. I thought to myself, it’s our lucky night. We didn’t even have to flirt and they just came right over as we sat down. 

They bought us a round of drinks. I excused myself to the restroom. I realized I looked like a drowned rat. A drowned rat in a dress that now due to the rain left nothing to the imagination. I walked out to discover my girlfriend and the two guys have disappeared. She LEFT ME!! 

Well, fuck it all. So much for showing her a good time.

Im on the way back to my car in the rain. When I hear cat calls from a rooftop bar. They tell me that they saw my friend walking in the opposite direction with two guys. They tell me that I should come upstairs and have some fun with them instead. At this point I realize I either need to start sobering up or grab a cab and go home. I decide to go upstairs, drink water, and talk to the gentlemen on the rooftop. 

One of the guys was spinning a line about being royalty and had a fake accent. Even in my drunken state I called bullshit on that shit. His friend was good looking though and wasn’t spinning any stupid lines. I was very chit chatty. We ended up changing bars. I didn’t want to just leave. I told the royal fake that I was leaving but I was taking his friend with me back to his place. 

I thanked him for his chivalrous behavior and I hoped he had a good morning. His butler could tuck him into bed for all I cared.

His friend took me back to his place in a cab. He gave me a brief tour and of course we headed up to the bedroom. 

First thing I noticed, is there’s nothing in the room. But an air mattress with a blanket tossed over it and a pack of cigarettes on the floor too. I felt like I just walked into a starving artists room.

We cut right to the chase. He had condoms thankfully. He wasn’t the best or the worst. 

It was just sex. 

I woke up early. I hopped into the bathroom, put on my clothes, brushed my fingers thru my hair, and rinsed my mouth out with some water. I came out, he was awake and asked what I was doing up? I told him it was great to meet him. There’s no need to get up, I’m going to walk back to my car and head home.

He looked at me very strangely. Then he asked, “Where do you think you are?”

Inner monologue moment: Ummm… WHAT THE FUCK? Why is he asking me that? I need to look around for the closest heavy or blunt object. Did I just get kid napped by some crazy rooftop guy? I’ll tell you what you’re going to have a fight on your hands. If only I had my elixir of life he’d be a fucking goner!

I cautiously reply, “Downtown.” He laughs and says, “You’re on the west side… Wait and let me call you a cab.” (Btw, my beloved readers the WEST SIDE is the ghetto. Me walking around by myself all the way to my car wasn’t a great idea.)

I told him no worries, I’ll get a friend to come pick me up. One of my current friends with benefits answers my call and says he’ll be there in five. He pulls up. I notice there’s a woman in the car with him. OH FUCK ME, I realize that’s his girlfriend. SHOOT ME NOW! This is going to be longest car ride of my life. 

What am I supposed to say? Hi, I’m Bunny the woman currently fucking your boyfriend on the side. Who just dropped everything to come and pick me up from some random guy who I just fucked. 

Awkward does not even begin to cover this situation.

Tip: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

©southerngabunny