For those of my devoted readers who don’t live in my beloved city you might be thinking I mean Christmas, Thanksgiving, maybe even Easter perhaps. But no, no my friends you would be incorrect. We here in the South believe in an Irish holiday. You might have heard of it before. This particular holiday people dress in green, hope for leprechauns, pots of gold, rainbows, and of course beer! Yes, my friends you guessed correctly. I’m speaking of St. Patrick’s Day.
So, my girls and I were out gallivanting on this happy alcohol filled holiday. We were meeting a group of friends. Then I met him. The individual whom part of this story is about.
I’ll give you a little description of this gentleman. Let’s just say he has a Napoleon complex (if you don’t know what I mean, google short man who ruled France), stout, thinning hair, with facial hair that should have been shaved off. His saving grace is that he owns a successful event planning business. Hence why the women who give the rest of us a bad name were flocking to him.
He claims that it was love at first sight. I did not agree. But I kept in contact with him, but in the friend zone. We spoke often and intimately. I did so knowing that nothing would happen between us.
Two years later, he comes back to my “Hostess City“. He informs me that there’s a great party out on the island that I have to come to. So, I dress to kill. I follow my google directions. When I reach my destination I realize that I recognize this home. Oh shit. This is going to get interesting.
I knock on the door. Who should open it? Napoleon and the doctor who owns the house. Did I mention that I’ve had a crush on the doctor who lives in the house that I’m now at?
Awkward, party of three!
I also have noticed that there aren’t any people inside the house. Its just Napoleon, doctor, and I. They inform me that no one else is coming to the party. Well, apparently one woman might be coming. But for the moment it just us three and copious amounts of wine.
I remember drinking two bottles of wine. Yes, all by my merry self. We were waiting for the food we ordered to arrive. It took way too long. Because I was very far gone after two bottles. There’s also a storm raging outside. This is causing the lights to flicker on and off.
I stumble over to the sofa. They follow in kind. I don’t remember exactly what they were discussing. But it didn’t interest me. So, I ask to watch my show, True Blood. Doctor obliges and turns on the television.
While I’m curled up with a blanket covering me watching my show. I’m in between Napoleon and the doctor. I feel a hand sneaking up my left thigh. The doctor is getting handsy with me. I think to myself well this night might not be a bust after all.
It’s reached the point in the evening where everyone is “tired”. Napoleon is giving me the come hither, I’m going to bed look.
I inform Napoleon that I’m good and I’ll be driving home momentarily. Doctor squeezes my thigh when he hears me say, “I’ll be driving home”.
Napoleon sulks off to a bedroom.
Doctor and I are still enjoying our time on the sofa. He leans over, turns off the volume, picks me up, puts me on his lap, and a make-out session ensues. He stops mid session, throws me over his shoulder caveman style.
We make our way to his bedroom.
He strips me of my clothing. They really are unnecessary at this point. So I’m happy to be rid of them. He’s very much in control on the bed. I decide that this is not working for me. I work my way up to the headboard. He follows me up and now is on top of me. I decide to switch it up and flip him over. Now I’m on top riding him. I’m doing exactly what the song says at this point.
I’m saving a horse and riding a cowboy.
Doctor is rocking my world. But my knees are starting to feel the earth shift. I inform him. He tells me no problem and flips me back over. He then helps finish the job for me.
My volcano is about to ERUPT! But mid eruption I feel something creeping up my back and its not a volcanic experience. The sensation I’m feeling are two hands making their way up my back…
Now, here’s where I have an Oh My Fucking God moment!
Many thoughts come to mind. The first is as you would expect. Why are there another pair of hands on my back? The doctor’s hands are currently occupied. So, they most certainly can not be his. Unless he’s suddenly become an octopus and he has eight hands! Who’s hands are these currently creeping up my back? Am I so far gone due to the alcohol that I’ve consumed that I’m imagining extra hands? Is there some new toy that I’m unaware of that simulates extra hands?
When I go to move away, doctor locks me in and says to relax and go with it.
As I felt wet, sloppy kisses going up my back I realize Napoleon is the culprit. At this point all fun has come to a complete HALT. I’m not sure what to do.
Doctor takes control. I realize now that I’m relaxed I’m actually enjoying the other set of hands. I decide to go with it. Now I’m the meat in a man sandwich. Another volcanic eruption happens, its an intense yet very pleasurable experience.
Now Napoleon has informed us that he wants a turn. Doctor and I are NOT in the current mood to share. Napoleon gets upset. He pulls up a chair next to the bed to watch and he continues to watch us as he pleasures himself. Doctor has flipped me onto my knees now that Napoleon is off the bed.
He takes me to the next level.
While my head is being banged up against the headboard. The headache was worth it. Everyone is having a good time then…
When we hear the doorbell.
We halt and wait. An argument ensues as to whom will answer the door. We all decide to leave whomever is out front outside. No more ringing, we assume we are in the clear.
Ten minutes later we are all occupied. When we see a person walk up the back steps and into the house.
The fourth guest has arrived fashionably late.
She has made herself comfortable in the kitchen. Even poured herself a glass of wine. Oh did I forget to mention that the house is primarily glass. So, you can see into most of the rooms. Napoleon gets up with not a stitch of clothing on to greet the female guest.
I want to watch the train wreck that is about to happen. Doctor flips me around. This way I can still enjoy doctor while watching what is about to ensue. The female guest sees Napoleon and screams. A normal response when a woman breaks into someone else’s home and sees naked man walk up to greet her.
They start chit chatting. One thing leads to another. Make out against the counter, clothes are gone, and they are going at it in the kitchen. Its basically like watching live PORN. I’ve grown tired of the show. The doctor turns me back around and we get back to our session.
I wake up in the morning. I walk to the kitchen stark naked. I’m about to look for the elixir of life…
But what do I stumble upon?
Or I should say whom should I stumble upon. I find a trail of clothing which leads to a naked couple on the floor. They have fallen asleep, and she’s laying on top of him. He’s snoring so LOUD it sounds like he’s sawing logs.
I move around them and make my elixir. She wakes up. She manages to roll Napoleon off. You would think it would be awkward. But it wasn’t.
We drink coffee and make pleasant conversation while naked. She asks politely who I am?
After all, we are having a nice chit chat. I inform her that I’m the woman who fucked her date. She pauses for a moments and then says okay and doesn’t flinch. She says then I suppose I fucked yours. I respond with yes.
She informs me that he was okay.
I walk back to the bedroom. Doctor asks me what happened. I tell him that his date and I had a pleasant conversation over coffee.
Moral of the story: Bed a doctor with good bedside manner.