This story is a two dater. Yes, two dates then done. I’ll give a little background information about this gentleman. We met on okcupid.com.
He’s 5’10, receding hairline, lumberjack facial hair, athletic body, and pale complexion. His profession, attorney. He’s dedicated to his job.
Before our first date we messaged back and forth for about a month. He informed me that he had some vacation time coming up. He would like to meet me. I agreed. We made plans for dinner two nights in a row. Both restaurants are on my list of favorite.
Date number one: I met him at his hotel which conveniently was where the restaurant was located. I got to the bar a little early, got my bearings, and ordered a glass of red.
Okay, so first impression. He looked a little different than his pictures, but his pictures were all profiles.
His ensemble: dark charcoal suit buttoned in the middle, cream buttoned collared shirt open at the neck, no tie, no watch, and brown shoes. That’s right, it’s not a typo. Brown shoes with a charcoal suit. It’s an interesting fashion statement to make. But I will say I appreciated his suit.
We have a drink before dinner. We make polite conversation. I ask him about his trip down. Y’all know the regular boring stuff that everyone asks. There were a few questions I wanted to ask. Because I felt like he avoided them when I asked via message.
The most important: How long has it been since your last relationship?
Most people respond with polite yet concise answers. Because it’s a first date. You want to be honest, but not give too much information. He proceeded to tell me about every relationship he has been in including when he lost his virginity and all the many details that go along with each relationship after…
The relationship conversation continued from drinks to dinner. It lasted thru our entire meal and no, my relationship background was not included in this conversation. Only his was. I couldn’t get a word in. Every time I tried to he pulled the conversation back to his relationships.
Towards the end of dinner, he notices my petite hands. He lifts his hands for comparison. He notices that I have short nails. He makes a comment. Saying that his bestie who happens to be a lesbian, told him the following tid bit of information. That a woman with short nails is secretly a lesbian or bi sexual or she has thought about it at some point.
What the FUCK? I like men. Not that I have anything against lesbians or bi sexuals. I love and support everyone. I always say hey do you, and screw what everyone else thinks. But his bestie’s opinion is problematic. Because most of the women I know have short nails. Does that mean they are all secretly gay or bi? I think NOT. The power of the bestie is incorrect this time.
We had a drink after dinner at the bar. This finally ended the LLOOONNGG relationship conversation. He looked at me and said, well you did ask. I thought yes I asked. It’s an important question to ask. But I didn’t expect the encyclopedia brittanica answer.
He then proceeded to bring up two conversation no-nos on a first date. Politics and religion. I thought, oh my does he not know the universal dating rules.
He then informs me that he comes from a well to do Jewish family. Brag much. But anyway here’s the interesting part. He drops this bomb on me. He tells me he’s also agnostic.
Pause for moment of reflection …………………… Moment over.
An agnostic Jewish man. Ummm, I’m confused for him at this point. I say nothing. Because there’s no good response to I’m an agnostic Jew.
After that, he walked me to my car. He gives me a hug and a peck on the lips and said he would contact me about dinner tomorrow evening.
Date number two: We met at my favorite wine bar. He arrived in a wardrobe fitting his facial hair. He apologized for dominating the entire conversation the evening before. I can appreciate a man who realizes his mistake and apologizes. I accepted and we continued with the evening. He picked a bottle of red. He made a fantastic choice. Conversation was flowing, so much better than the evening before.
Four course meal with wine pairings for each. I want to add he chose the wines, they were perfect. I had 4 glasses of wine at dinner and half a bottle before. I’m feeling happy tipsy by the end of dinner. I might not remember leaving the restaurant. But I do remember him saying I should come up to his room.
All right, let’s get to business. Or the reason you’re reading this blog, lol.
We step into the elevator. He pushes me up against the wall. I’m thinking oh crap, there are cameras in this elevator. I know people in this town. I can’t have video of me in a compromising position in an elevator. I pushed him off and said let’s wait til we have more privacy. He stepped off the elevator and started walking in the opposite direction of his room. We all know where his mind was. Whoops moment.
We are in his room. He pushes me down on the lounge. Woo hoo! Let’s get the deed done!
He starts kissing me. But now he’s pushing me into the lounge roughly. He’s pushing on my collarbone a little too hard. At first I don’t think anything of it. But then he continues to repeat it. I ask him what he’s doing. He says he testing my boundaries to see how far he can push me.
Most people start out SLOW. Has he never heard of foreplay?
I’m still tipsy. So, I’ve decided to go with it. We start stripping off unnecessary clothing. I’m ready to go. He’s got his back to me. HELLO nice ass! As he turns to get into bed I notice an added accessory. It’s not certainly not a part of the male anatomy. He’s got a cock ring. But it’s not your everyday average cock ring. Oh no. This accessory’s added feature is an attached vibrator. He informs me its for my added pleasure.
Inner monologue moment: Has he been wearing this the entire evening? At the wine bar, dinner, the whole shebang. Fuck! Well, not fuck as in the action. That’s obviously what’s on his mind. FUCK, as in the expletive. FUCK, I didn’t expect this.
He lays down on his back. He wants me on top of him. NO foreplay has happened. Nothing to help my girlie parts out and my girlie parts need a little help for lubrication purposes. I go with it though. I think okay once I’m on top maybe that’ll get things going.
My knees are killing me. So we flip over. He’s going missionary with it. These are apparently the only positions he enjoys. Well FUCK, this isn’t going to work for me. Someone needs to gift him the book, “The Joy of Sex”. Because his education is lacking. At this point I’m thinking, sleep. But I’m NOT a quitter. So I woman up.
I’m trying to help myself out to help us both. I look up, he’s got this SUPER serious face on. He’s focused on getting to the finish line. I suddenly realize his face looks all too familiar to me. He looks just like, Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Sesame Street will NEVER be the same again. I start giggling uncontrollably.
He stops and looks at me. Now he looks even more grouchy than Oscar the Grouch. I didn’t know that was possible. Oscar needs to make sure he’s got an air tight deal with Sesame Street. My date could give him a run for his money. Big Bird might have a new cast mate soon.
He’s not pleased with my giggling. It’s causing issues for him. I cease the giggles. Because the giggles have caused his manly cock ring sporting member to go from erect to not so erect.
His ego has been bruised. Well hell, what about my ego?! I’m still a very unsatisfied woman underneath him. Quip pro quo.
We both went sleep. Morning comes I get dressed for work I’m just about to slip out. He rolls over, and asks if I have time for a quickie. I think well maybe now that alcohol is out of both our systems maybe we’ll actually get it done.
He watches me undress. As I’m crawling onto the bed he rolls over on his back. Then pats the bed three times next to him. What the FUCK? I’m crawling back into bed naked. I don’t need incentive. I’m NOT a dog. Don’t pat the bed like you’re telling me to come hither. I’m not at your fucking beck and call.
I’m not really feeling the two positions he prefers. I suggest other options. He doesn’t want to try anything new. He rolls onto his back. He says he’s not feeling it. What the FUCK? What was the point in me getting undressed if he’s not even going to try?
I could have gone to the elixir of life establishment (aka Starbucks) and gotten my venti vanilla coconut milk chai latte. My day could have started off right at Starbucks. Let this be a lesson to us all, next time just say yes to the elixir of life. It NEVER disappoints you. And IF it does, you’re friendly barista will make you another tasty beverage. Problem solved.
He then tells me that we have NO spark. So there’s no need for me to contact him in the future. I say okay, get dressed and leave it be.
No reaction, just get dressed. I’m walking to the door. He gets up, puts a towel around his waist. He’s cold toward me at this point. I think he’s upset that I didn’t give him a reaction to his previous statement. He said nice knowing you and that was that.
Tip: Gift your loved one with a copy of “The Joy of Sex”. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.