Swinging with Mom

This post is in memory of my Mom. Seven years ago today she passed away. You would never would have known that she was ill. She was a vivacious, loving person, and had the best sense of humor of anyone I know. She was my number one fan. My adventures were always supported by her, including a few adventures she joined in on herself. She was my shoulder to cry on, the person I called in good times and in bad, and my favorite drinking buddy.

Every girl hopes to have an open and honest relationship with their mother. We truly had a connection that I miss to this day. But she is always with me. She truly will be my best friend forever.

Before going into my next escapade, let me give you a little background. Imagine an eighth grade cafeteria and all the hormonal adolescents that inhabit it during lunch. I’m sitting with a few friends, I’m the odd girl out. All of sudden the girls in front of me look confused/shocked. One of the girls turns to me and asks, “Is that your Mom?” I remember this moment in slow motion…

Imagine a 5’6 blonde woman skipping down the aisle, throwing mini peppermints, and dressed in elf gear. Yes, that’s right it’s not a typo. A green jumper, white and red striped socks, curled toe shoes with bells (because what’s a curled toe shoe without bells, just curly shoes). She skips to me, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and says she was on break and in the area. So, she wanted to come by and say hi.

She worked as movie set makeup artist, that specialized in costumes and prosthetics. So, this isn’t the first time she has come by in a costume to visit/embarrass me. At the time it was incredibly embarrassing. But now I appreciate the funny memory fondly. Now you have a small but general idea of my Mom’s personality. I’ll share one of our joint adventures…

Mom and I went downtown to one of my favorite spots. It’s a two story, old era building, with courtyard, and hidden lounges with red curtains in proximity to the bar. Similar to a private club atmosphere, but no fee was required annually. It was unique to all the other bars in the area because of the large screen that projected sensual scenes.

We met at the house and took the van downtown (yes, she made the soccer mom van cool). It was the first night we both had free. She knew I had a crush on the DJ playing there this particular evening. I had given her a brief description of the bar so she wouldn’t be taken back. She informed that she wasn’t as old as I apparently thought and that she could handle anything.

We arrive during happy hour. The DJ hasn’t set up yet. So, we use our time wisely, deciding on a bottle of red. I introduce her to my favorite gay bartender. She’s chit chatting with him. They instantly become besties she then leans over the bar and gives him a kiss on the lips. Then informs him that she trusts his judgement to pick a red for us.

The DJ has been setting up and Mom is talking to the people next to us. She kinda flirts with the DJ. But I’m not worried, it’s Mom being Mom. House music is pouring out of the speakers. I began to pay attention to the conversation Mom is having with the couple next to us. Basically, the couple are swingers. My Mom has been convincing them that we are a mother daughter tag team. (fucking hell) I try to intervene, “Mom, Mom, Mom!” She pauses, turns and informs me she isn’t Mom tonight. She’s Carol. Carol and Bunny have hit downtown. 

Oh boy, this is going to be an fun evening. All I can do is nod and smile at Carol.

She bums a cigarette off the DJ. We have finished the second bottle of red. The couple has invited us to go dancing. Carol says yes. But we’ll meet them because we need to make a stop.  We cut thru an alley. As we are walking thru the alley Carol informs me she needs to pee. I say lets go back to the bar, she shakes her head and says no need my favorite bush isn’t far. I give her the, what the fuck look. She says don’t knock it till you try it. 

Next thing I know I’m standing next to a bush in bank square. I’m holding her jacket and clutch. All while conversing to her while she’s behind her favorite bush. People are walking past me thinking I’m crazy for talking to a bush. 

Inner monologue moment: When I thought of my evening out with Mom, ducking behind a beloved bush for bladder relief was not on my intinerary. But yep, I’m talking to a bush.

She pops out, gets resituated, and says next place. We run into two of her favorite gays on the way to our next establishment. She introduces them to me, and tells me how long they’ve been together. She invites them to tag along. As we are walking one of the guys has a shoe malfunction. His flip flop flopped. Mom says all we need is some tape and we can fix the flopped flip flop. She knows exactly where we can get some. We are now standing in front of the only gay bar in town. She comes out and says, “Ta da!” We pay our cover, she rushes towards the stage door, and begins to bang on it, all while yelling, “I know you bitches have tape, open this damn door!”

Next thing I know, I’m backstage of a drag show. I see men in g strings, tape, and fabulous makeup. I think to myself, they can give me makeup tips! Mom is digging thru a dressing table. She pulls out grey duct tape and begins to repair the flip flop. A tall drag queen comes stomping over, saying that we can’t be back stage. He looks at her and calls her crazy. Mom counters, pulls some of the duct tape out and says, “Crazy, really do you think I’m crazy? Do you want to come again? I’ll show you crazy!” The drag queen slowly backs away. Then we are off to the dance club. 

I didn’t think mother daughter outings quite went like this, but I should have known better. Mom always makes life more interesting.

We are now in a meat market dance club. There are men everywhere, mirrors on the wall, Mom is dancing like she’s twenty years old again. I don’t dance. She trying to pull me onto the dance floor. But I’m comfortable watching. She’s dancing with two hot young guys. She’s in the groove! Then she turns and sees herself in one of the mirrors. She looks at her reflection and says, “Damn, I didn’t know I was that old!”

She informs me that the image in her head of herself doesn’t match the mirror. One of the hotties she’s dancing with said you’re not old! The other hottie than goes to buy a round of shots for us. Shots and I don’t particularly get along. But it’s supposed to be a fun night. So, I go with it. I loosen up a little bit and start dancing. Mom get hotties numbers then we go outside and flag a pedi cab. It’s now two am.

As we come up to the van, we see a meter maid. The van is receiving a ticket. Oh shit! She starts screaming while we are in motion, and jumps out. She starts saying, “You fuckers better not be giving me a ticket!”  (Sidenote: yes, now y’all know where I got my eloquent speech from.) The lady pauses and then continues to write the ticket. Mom rips the ticket out of her book and rips it into tiny pieces. It’s like a scene from the movies! Shit has officially hit the fan. I’m missing the crazed tall drag queen at this point.

She tells the meter maid, “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay this sucker!” While throwing the pieces of the ticket in her face. The meter maid stands firm, no change in expression. She’s most likely experienced moments like this or worse. She’s unphased by Mom’s tirade.

She informs Mom you’ll still receive a letter in the mail and leaves. Mom then has a mini venting session in the middle of the street at two am. We hop into the van to head home but first go thru the drive thru at Krystal. Because nothing is better than a sackful of Krystals when you’re drunk.

We end the night well actually the morning being locked out of the house. My dad was out of town and no one was in the house. So, at three am we were attempting to break into our own home. We have storm windows, so it certainly wasn’t an easy feat. But we made it in.

A few hours later my dad came in and discovered us sleeping on the living room floor surrounded by Krystal wrappers. He looked at us and said,”I’m assuming y’all had fun last night.” If only he knew…

Advice to all of my beloved readers: Appreciate and cherish the moments you have with your loved ones. They truly are precious. I hope all of you have a favorite bush moment with your loved one. If not a bush, maybe a tree.

© 2016 southerngabunny