But I might have had a few. I’ve got my girls with me, all six of them. Somehow I manage to fit them all in my Corolla. Yep, that’s right Corolla. The vehicle meant to fit 5 at maximum. Two of the girls are passed out. The others are singing. One is saying shut up, she’s got a headache. Another fun Saturday night with my girls.
I decide to take the highway home. It’s quicker. As I’m driving on the highway. I’m going over the speed limit. I see Georgia State Patrol. I think, oh shit. I pass him, he flips his lights on, in my head I know he’s coming for me. The jaws theme is running thru my mind. By the time he pulls out, I put my blinker on, and pull over into the emergency Lane.
All the girls are flipping out. I tell them to act like they’re asleep. I’m going to handle this. But I need for them to shut the hell up. I open my door, I see him coming. I get on my knees, and start looking thru my floor board. The officer pulls up behind me. So, when he sees me, he’s greeted with a tight pencil skirt, heels, and all he sees is my ass.
I make sure that he can hear me as he’s walking up. I’m saying where are you, you little sucker. As he walks up behind me, I say ah ha! and I pop up and say I found it! Shaking my phone in his face.
I sit back in the car and put my seat belt on. He walks up to the car, asks the usual do you know why I pulled you over?
I inform him, that it’s because I was speeding. I tell him I dropped my phone while driving, and I was trying to find my phone while keeping my eyes on the road and I wasn’t watching my speed.
He’s studying me, flashing his flashlight in the back seat. I’m thinking I’m going to get away with it. He tells me to be careful, that there are a lot of dangerous drivers out there.
He turns around, I think I’m home free.
Then he flashes the light on my middle console, I hear one of the girls take a deep breath. That’s the Oh SHIT breath, we’re screwed.
I decide to pull something out of my bag of tricks and go with it. Hopefully, I can be as magical as Harry Potter in this moment. He asks what’s in the cup. What’s actually in the cup is vodka cranberry. But I tell him it’s just cranberry. He gives me that do I look fucking stupid to you look? This is Savannah drunks are everywhere, let’s try that again.
I explain to him that I’m the designated driver. I roll down the window. He sees the drunken women sleeping in the back. I then inform him that there’s NO way I could be drinking, because I’m pregnant. He gives me the I’m not an idiot look. Takes a look at my slim figure, gives me that try again look. I then inform him that I can prove it. I reach into my glove box and pull out an ultrasound with a current date on it.
Side-note: I recently received an email from a close girlfriend saying I’m going to be an Aunt! She also enclosed a pic of the ultrasound.
He takes a look at it. Then he gives me the stare down. He’s waiting for me to crack. I stand firm with my stolen ultrasound. He then asks for my license and registration. I give him those. He takes all my identification papers and ultrasound back to the car. The girls are now flipping a shit. One says that she has to pee. I tell her I don’t care, she has to cowgirl up and hold it. Another is flipping out that she doesn’t want to have to call her boyfriend from jail. she’s too pretty to go to jail! I tell them to calm the fuck down! I’ve got this shit. Just continue to be drunken sleeping beauties, and don’t ruin my grand plan.
Five minutes later (it feels like an eternity) the officer comes back.
He hands me my info papers. But he still has my “ultrasound” in hand. He looks a little perplexed. I’m thinking, oh shit. He didn’t buy it. He hands me my ultrasound and gives me a tip. He tells me that his wife while pregnant with their second child drank club soda with lime. It made it look like she was drinking but she wasn’t really drinking.
He then tells me that I’m ready to be a mother. Because if I can deal with a car full of drunk women then I’m ready for the trials and tribulations of motherhood.
Moral of the story: Make sure your sleeping beauties stay asleep.